WASHINGTON, D.C.— In a decision that legal scholars are calling “the most brutal ratio in Supreme Court history,” the Justices ruled 8-1 Monday that you, specifically, have absolutely no play. Chief Justice John Roberts, clearly relishing the chance to deliver a judicial curb-stomping, described your lack of rizz as “so staggering, so historically significant, that the Court could not sit idly by and watch you embarrass yourself any further.”
“In my 19 years on this bench, I have never seen a case so devoid of sauce, rizz, or charm,” Roberts wrote, pausing to admire his own reflection in a commemorative plaque that still describes him as a ‘principled conservative.’ “I reviewed the full record, and I can confidently say that if ‘pulling no bitches’ were a federal offense, the petitioner would be serving life without parole. The text evidence alone is stomach-churning—sliding into four separate DMs with nothing but ‘yo,’ a paragraph-long text apology for a bad joke, and swiping up on multiple stories but then waiting for her to carry the conversation.
Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson—leaning back to crack her stiff back that has been carrying our democracy since her swearing in—did not mince words.
“The petitioner has made zero attempts to improve his game. His argument that he is ‘different from other guys’ collapses under the weight of every single piece of evidence showing that he is, in fact, painfully the same.”
The lone dissent came from Justice Samuel Alito, slamming his gavel with the energy of a man trying to convince the world that his wife hasn’t been sleeping in a separate wing of their house for the past decade. “This Court should not be in the business of judging a man’s personal romantic struggles. If we start here, where does it end? Are we going to retroactively hold frat boy Kavanaugh accountable for date rape? Scrutinize Thomas’s Venmo receipts? Force Gorsuch out of the closet? This is an outrageous overreach by the Court, and I won’t stand for it.”
Nonetheless, Justice Alito concurred in-part with the Court’s decision writing that he too, “sees no possible legal remedy, nor any path forward where the petitioner—who, may I remind you, once called someone ‘milady’ unironically—obtains even a semblance of game.”
At press time, you, the petitioner, was last seen texting, ‘Haha you up?’ at 2:34 am. Unsurprisingly, she is, in fact, not up.