BERKELEY, Calif.— In a move that has shocked exactly no one, Berkeley Bowl has announced the grand opening of its long-awaited adjunct dispensary, featuring over 100 strains, so you no longer have to go back to Maui to get that Wowie. Shoppers are calling it “revolutionary,” “necessary,” and “the only way to emotionally survive that fucking parking lot.”
The dispensary opened following the passage of Prop 420, which legalized the sale of “medicinal coping substances for situations caused by other human beings.” As a result, several fan-favorites have rebranded: Safeway is now SafeBake, Rite Aid is LightAid, and Kathmandu Market & Deli has become Kathmandu’s Munchies Market. Each establishment now offers a curated selection of THC products designed to reduce anxiety, stimulate tastebuds, and help customers forget the price of eggs.
Tim Hopkins, longtime owner of Berkeley Bowl, says the dispensary was both a business decision and a moral one. “I figured if people are gonna be inhaling that shit all the time anyway,” Hopkins explained while narrowly avoiding a Suburban going 45 in the parking lot, “they may as well buy it free-range and organic.”
To support the community during the ongoing government shutdown, Berkeley Bowl is also offering a promotional deal: 1 free gram for every $50 spent. A pretty hard deal to beet, if you ask us.
“Sativa, indica, hybrid, hell–they even have the exclusive Campanile Tower Toke strain. You can’t find anything like this anywhere else in the Bay,” says loyal shopper Cornelius Gritheim, currently on day three of “just swinging by real quick.” We reached out to AC Transit route 18 driver Matt Hermon for comment, who reports a dramatic shift in rider behavior. “Someone on the bus said ‘buy a cart, get a cart’ and I thought they meant grocery carts. Next thing I know, I’m walking out of there with four double-bagged paper bags and two THC cartridges for thirty dollars,” said Hermon, eyes visibly glazed but at peace.
In this economy, it appears Berkeley residents have finally found a store that provides something priceless: the ability to shop without crashing out.