BERKELEY, Calif – In a totally unsurprising turn of events, the Economic Consulting for Consultants Who Consult Club President Constance Lee Ongline’s liberal use of …
Campus Bathrooms to Now Require Two Factor Authentication
BERKELEY, Calif – News from top Berkeley officials broke late last week about the implementation of a new widespread campus policy. In line with the …
Progressive Win! Fraternity to Replace Bid System with Weight List
BERKELEY, Calif. – The Theta Meta Feta Fraternity has been receiving attention for their most recent pronouncement which has sparked both praise and outrage in …
BREAKING: Monday Class to Start with Midterm
BERKELEY, Calif. – Due to totally foreseeable and controllable circumstances, many Monday classes are accommodating the two weeks worth of missed classes by having students …
Superb Announces Enrollment Time Slots as Next Giveaway
BERKELEY, Calif – To the relief and surprise of students across campus, ASUC Superb announced on Monday its next highly anticipated student giveaway: class enrollment …
OPINION: I Think You Think You’re Better Than Me
As the semester continues to roll into a never-ending hell, the only thing more toxic than the air vents from Main Stacks has been the …
REPORT: Catcaller Really Good at Tabling
BERKELEY, Calif – A recent URAP study conducted earlier this month has sent the Berkeley campus into a frenzy with its surprising, or perhaps unsurprising, …
Oh God, Guy on Ed Very Obviously a Reddit User
BERKELEY, Calif. – Hysteria arose amongst students in PUBPOL 101 when news broke that their peer Nick Beard was an active Reddit user, as determined …
Report: It’s Not Cold Enough for a Scarf but You Do Look Nice
BERKELEY, Calif. – With stormy weather sweeping the state of California over the past weeks, residents dealing with uncharacteristic below-60-degree temperatures are reporting an influx …
Career Confusion: Is Handshake Really Necessary or Can I Just Apply Directly with a Handjob?
Listen, I think I’m speaking for everyone when I say: whatever happened to the good old days when a nice, firm handjob was enough to …