Listen, I think I’m speaking for everyone when I say: whatever happened to the good old days when a nice, firm handjob was enough to …
Pixar Halts All Production After Nemo Eaten by Fraternity Pledge
LOS ANGELES — The long-running SAG-AFTRA strike took a turn for the worse last Wednesday when Hollywood starlet Nemo the clownfish was found dead in …
Checkmate, Liberals: If Biden is So Good for America, Then Why Do I Feel Empty All the Time?
As a student at UC Berkeley and the child of two hardcore Rachel Maddow enthusiasts, it’s no surprise that I am surrounded by lots of …
Guy Who Knows a Spot Takes You to Berkeley Social Club
BERKELEY, Calif. – After proclaiming his knowledge of secret and underrated date spots on campus, Cal junior Chad Chad decided to impress his new romantic …
Canvas Throws Me a Fucking Rager for Submitting 40-Day-Late Assignment
You may know me as an academic weapon — and you’d be absolutely correct. I’ve made lots of close friends over my academic career, and …
Big Al’s Reveals Hot New Flavored Vape: ‘Cigarettes’
BERKELEY, Calif. – While most other smoke shops have seen a loss in profits due to the passage of SB 793 prohibiting the sale of …
Man Realizes ‘Situationship’ is Not a Consulting Club Term
BERKELEY, Calif. — A shocking revelation struck Sproul Plaza this afternoon when certified “label-hater” Noah Stringson, attempting to reconcile with his pseudo-girlfriend, discovered that the …
Opinion: I’ll Just Agree With Anything to Get Out of This Conversation
“Yeah I hate tomatoes too. Oh, you actually said you like tomatoes? Yeah, actually tomatoes are pretty good. Honestly, it might be my favorite vegetable. …
Café 3 Now Serving
BERKELEY, Calif – In a surprising turn of events, UC Berkeley’s Cafe 3 dining hall has been slated to undergo a variety of renovations. The …
Fiona Apple and 3 Other Musicians Doctors HATE
As flu season approaches and temperatures decline, we are no longer ‘cool for the summer’ as the kids say, and become more lukewarm for the …