I want to preface this article by saying that I’m not heterophobic by any means. I watched Outer Banks. I voted for Biden. I can’t …
Toxic Medieval Studies Major Refuses to Let Girlfriend Wear Purple
BERKELEY, Calif. — Although taking one’s studies seriously is typically regarded as important, sophomore Elizabeth MacDuggen believes that her ‘toxic’ boyfriend and medieval studies major …
Guy in Discussion Really Needs to Back Off and Let the Rest of Us Make Shit Up for Participation Points
We’ve all been there. No worse feeling exists than waking up on Friday afternoon, hungover, with the recollection that your participation grade is worth the …
UCPD Announces 40,000 Suspects in GBC Banana Heist
BERKELEY, Calif.– A campus-wide email sent on Monday evening shocked students, as they learned that amongst them walked a hardened criminal: the mastermind architect behind …
Major Advisor Now Only Reachable Through Séance
BERKELEY, Calif. – In a spooky turn of events, Computer Science Undergraduate Advisor Gong Whitdee Ngyuen has apparently changed their meeting availability to séance-only appointments. …
Professor Offers Extra Credit to Students Who Fail Midterm in Costume
BERKELEY, Calif.– Students enrolled in ECON 100B, Cobalt and Child Labor: A Match Made in Heaven, were dismayed to learn that their midterm would be …
Shocking: This Parent Found Bladee in Child’s Halloween Candy
BERKELEY, Calif. – Despite taking the necessary precautions as advised by the Berkeley Police Department, local parent Dray Ner was mortified to find that their …
51B Scares Passengers for Halloween by Arriving On Time
BERKELEY, Calif. – In a truly terrifying turn of events earlier tonight, the 51B arrived: not two minutes early, not twenty-seven minutes late, but exactly …
Report: ‘Sexy Cat’ Neither Sexy Nor Cat
BERKELEY, Calif. — An investigative report led by renowned geneticist Professor Jennifer Doudna has revealed after rigorous research and genome sequencing that the infamous “sexy …
‘It’s Hell for You,’ Decides Jesus, After You Press ‘No Tip’ on iPad
BERKELEY, Calif. – An all-knowing being came to a conclusion this morning when you made the life-damning decision of pressing ‘No Tip’ on the iPad. …