BERKELEY, Calif. – After proclaiming his knowledge of secret and underrated date spots on campus, Cal junior Chad Chad decided to impress his new romantic …
Canvas Throws Me a Fucking Rager for Submitting 40-Day-Late Assignment
You may know me as an academic weapon — and you’d be absolutely correct. I’ve made lots of close friends over my academic career, and …
Big Al’s Reveals Hot New Flavored Vape: ‘Cigarettes’
BERKELEY, Calif. – While most other smoke shops have seen a loss in profits due to the passage of SB 793 prohibiting the sale of …
Man Realizes ‘Situationship’ is Not a Consulting Club Term
BERKELEY, Calif. — A shocking revelation struck Sproul Plaza this afternoon when certified “label-hater” Noah Stringson, attempting to reconcile with his pseudo-girlfriend, discovered that the …
Opinion: I’ll Just Agree With Anything to Get Out of This Conversation
“Yeah I hate tomatoes too. Oh, you actually said you like tomatoes? Yeah, actually tomatoes are pretty good. Honestly, it might be my favorite vegetable. …
Café 3 Now Serving
BERKELEY, Calif – In a surprising turn of events, UC Berkeley’s Cafe 3 dining hall has been slated to undergo a variety of renovations. The …
Fiona Apple and 3 Other Musicians Doctors HATE
As flu season approaches and temperatures decline, we are no longer ‘cool for the summer’ as the kids say, and become more lukewarm for the …
How to Tell Your Straight Friends That You Don’t Wanna See That Shit
I want to preface this article by saying that I’m not heterophobic by any means. I watched Outer Banks. I voted for Biden. I can’t …
Toxic Medieval Studies Major Refuses to Let Girlfriend Wear Purple
BERKELEY, Calif. — Although taking one’s studies seriously is typically regarded as important, sophomore Elizabeth MacDuggen believes that her ‘toxic’ boyfriend and medieval studies major …
Guy in Discussion Really Needs to Back Off and Let the Rest of Us Make Shit Up for Participation Points
We’ve all been there. No worse feeling exists than waking up on Friday afternoon, hungover, with the recollection that your participation grade is worth the …