BERKELEY, Calif. — Last week, hundreds of Berkeley professors premiered syllabus-review lectures only to receive blank stares, disinterest, and rotten tomatoes. But one man defied …
New Roommate Refrigerates Maple Syrup, Which is Fine, I Guess
Confusion has arisen from the household habits of my newest roommate, “Jeff.” I don’t mind the incessant sleepwalking, the unbridled flatulence, the endorsement of conspiracy …
Supreme Court Rules in Favor of Abject Suffering
WASHINGTON, DC. – Trumping their recent rulings on student debt relief, gay rights, and affirmative action, the Supreme Court decided unanimously in favor of “abject …
SCOTUS Clarifies ‘Affirmative Action Still Constitutional for White Kids’
WASHINGTON, DC. — Following this morning’s Supreme Court ruling which declared the practice of race-conscious admissions unconstitutional, Chief Justice John Roberts emerged from his chamber …
‘I Feel Seen,’ Says Straight White Woman at Pride
SAN FRANCISCO, Calif. – In a time when LGBTQ+ rights are under attack by policymakers and elected officials, local straight white woman Mackenzie Thompson attended …
Bears Finally Go
BERKELEY, Calif. — “Go, Bears!” hecklers finally got their wish this Saturday when the Bears of the Class of 2023 officially abandoned this godforsaken shitshow we call UC Berkeley and set off for greener pastures.
“I’m so glad those miserable cunts finally got the hint and left,” said Vice Chancellor Marc Fisher in an unofficial statement to an invasive Argentine ant on his fingernail. “I’ve spent the past four years trying to tell these idiots to get the hell out of dodge—posting updates on the never-ending PG&E wildfires, providing play-by-play accounts of every COVID-19 infection detected in Berkeley’s wastewater, changing the mode of instruction every six weeks, forwarding WarnMe emails about crimes that span the entire length and breadth of Berkeley’s Municipal Code. Somehow, in spite of all of that, those chuckleheads stayed. They’re morons for sure, but there’s something about their stubbornness that I can’t help but admire. I think I might almost feel a little sad to see them go.” At this point, Fisher emitted a bizarre, slurpy-sniffling noise. “I’m not crying; you’re crying!” Observers were unable to confirm whether or not the Argentine ant on Fisher’s fingernail was, in fact, crying.
Professor Offers Penalty Kicks in Lieu of Final Exam
BERKELEY, Calif.– Much to the surprise of students enrolled in GLBL 187, “Bullshit Exams and their Cultural Heritage,” Friday the 12th presented an unexpected subversion …
Fact Check: I Actually Didn’t Piss Myself at the AMC Emeryville While Watching The Mario Movie
In this era of misinformation and partisan brainwashing, a completely false and libelous rumor has spread that I recently pissed myself while watching my favorite Italian plumber at the AMC Emeryville. However, unbiased fact-checking conducted by this star journalist has found these claims to be utterly false.
‘It’s Not You, It’s Me,’ Says Doe Library Lamp to Any Charger in Existence Attempting to Plug In
“It’s not you, it’s me,” stated the Doe lamp. “We just don’t fit together. I’m never going to change, even if it would make the lives of thousands of students much easier.”
Leading Economists Advise Millennials to Eat Shit and Die
BERKELEY, Calif. — An exciting new report by leading economists at the University of California, Berkeley has some advice to give Millennials: eat shit and die.
“The best course of action for Millennials to take in this highly-competitive, globalized, 21st-century economy is quite simply to eat shit and die,” declared Nobel Laureate David Card in the ‘Discussion’ section of the report. “I’m not going to sugarcoat it—you guys [Millennials] are fucked. Rising income inequality, right-wing public policy, and impending environmental collapse have all but ensured that you will never retire comfortably or enjoy a decent standard of living. Unless you are happy wage-slaving through your golden years without adequate healthcare benefits or a home, I suggest taking the quickest possible exit from this unrelenting hellscape we call existence. Alternatively, if that isn’t an option, try cutting back on the avocado toast and the Starbucks frappuccinos. Sure, it’ll do little to help you financially, but at least it’ll make you moderately less annoying.”