“We’re not starting class until everyone moves up to the front. Sit closer, I don’t bite!” I looked around at the five other students who still attend section, wondering if Ned really needed us to move closer. Was this another GSI power trip? I knew he wasn’t a biter, but he clearly underestimated the power of a now-annoyed undergraduate student who skipped breakfast this morning. Maybe I should teach him a lesson. My mouth began to water at the thought of sinking my canines into Ned’s freckled arm. The sound of his howl would truly be music to my ears as I’d leave him with a permanent tattoo of my chompers. Who is Ned to tell me what to do!?
MLB Introduces Pitch Clock to More Accurately Measure How Long It Will Take for Baseball to Die
“These young kids think they can mess with tradition, but they’re dead wrong,” yelled 85-year-old baseball fan Smith Smithers. “How can we watch baseball if there’s no time for the television commentators to tell long unrelated stories about the minutiae of life while waiting for nothing to happen on screen?”
Shame! Moffitt to No Longer Count Full Costco Rotisserie Chicken as Snack
“It’s discrimination and a miscarriage of justice through and through. It’s quite simple and plain in fact, unlike Costco’s delectable rotisserie chickens.”
OPINION: The Tugging In My Gut Isn’t IBS, I’m Just The Next Percy Jackson
Look, I didn’t want to be a half-blood.
It’s a dangerous life. You’re always fighting demons, you’re seconds away from your insides exploding, and you’ve got to think twice before you eat at a mortal restaurant like Taco Bell. Believe me. But this is a warning—you can read the rest of this like it’s satire, and honestly, good for you. I wish I could do that. But if some of you feel a churning within while you’re reading, it’s a calling. You don’t have IBS, you’re a half-blood too.
4 Secret Spots on Campus Seniors Should Visit Before They Graduate!
▇▇ is one of my favorite study spots on campus. Ever since I found out about this place, I haven’t had to desperately circle around …
Phish Concert Sells Out Almost As Much As the 32 Year Old Data Scientist From Walnut Creek Who Went
BERKELEY, CA. — Following three days of bedlam, UC Berkeley’s campus has been left strewn with debris from the lengthy, bacchanalian exodus of Phish fans. …
QUIZ: Tell Us How Much You Love Your Family and We’ll Tell You Whether to Get Them $10, $15, $60, or No Graduation Tickets
To celebrate the culmination of your four years of college, the university has decided to follow in the footsteps of Ticketmaster by price gouging its graduation tickets. But how can you determine if you should get $10, $15, $60, or no tickets for your family? Don’t worry, here’s a quiz to help you decide.
Groundbreaking! Shovels
“We’re leveraging the potential of shovels in a way that’s never been done before,” said Diggs, his eyes gleaming with the light of a thousand PowerPoint presentations. “Our innovative approach will create unparalleled value for our customers while disrupting the traditional shovel market.”
Fox News to Replace Tucker Carlson with More Diverse Cast of Racists
“Tucker certainly left some big shoes to fill, but I am confident that I will live up to his legacy. To prepare for the role, I watched thirty-five hours of green M&M porn and spent eight years repeatedly writing the word ‘woke’ on a wall and then getting terrified by it.”
Don Lemon and Tucker Carlson announced as new hosts of SNL ‘Weekend Update’
“It was the right decision by far,” began longtime SNL producer Lorne Michaels. “And I mean by far, like a far-right decision.”