I know, even I’m shocked. In a place as gloom and doom as UC Berkeley, it’s hard to attract people organically nowadays. I’ve tried every …
OPINION: The Granola Bar in my Backpack has been to as Many Classes as I Have, it Should at Least Get a Minor in Something
You know that granola bar that’s been at the bottom of your backpack since late August? The one you threw in your bag before class …
REI Carabiner Not Strong Enough to Keep This Lesbian Couple Together
BERKELEY, Calif. — Berkeley sophomore and distinguished lesbian Gloria Bilitis was seen crying earlier today at the Berkeley Ironworks Climbing Gym after having a literal …
Serial Liar Ex-President Claims He Will Face Consequences for His Crimes
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In yet another bald-faced lie, former U.S. President Donald J. Trump claimed he would be arrested on Tuesday despite his decades-long track …
Futuo! Students Forced to Build Rome in One Day for Ancient Architecture Midterm
BERKELEY, Calif. — AGRS 139 students everywhere were seen scrambling this morning after receiving an email from Ancient Architecture Professor Marcus Cognomen detailing their midterm …
OPINION: I Know Everyone Expressing Concerns About ‘Abnormal Snow Patterns’ Are Just Trying to Tell Me My Dandruff Is Bad
If you’ve been subject to strange weather reports warning of an impending snowstorm barraging locals with a flurry of white flakes, my bad!
Academy Award for Best Actor Goes to Me, Pretending to Have Done the Reading for Today’s Section
“It is my sublime personal pleasure,” Yang articulated, “to present this award for Best Actor to the student who gave the most convincing performance in their role as, ‘Person Who Read the Assigned Pages for Class Today.’ The award goes to… Tohar Zamir!”
Rookie Mistake: Polite Student Stuck Holding Door For Eternity After Being First One Out of Lecture
“JUST when I think I’ve got my opening, another student comes by! I could leave and just let someone else takeover, but wouldn’t that just be rude to all the other people that I didn’t stay to hold the door open for?”
‘It Adds Some Risky Fun,’ Says Berkeley Transportation Commission on Why the Crosswalk Signs Don’t Work at Night
BERKELEY, Calif.– In a recent public appearance, the Berkeley Transportation Committee finally explained that they chose to stop crosswalk signs from working at night because “it adds some risky fun that makes us feel alive on this tiny rock floating in space.”