BERKELEY, Calif. — Cal history Professor Orn Ery pulled his GSI aside during lecture this past Thursday with some unrequested advice regarding their professional future, …
QUIZ: Should You Go Out Tonight or Should You Question the Meaning of Human Existence Alone in Your Room Like a Sad Little Loser?
Happy Friday! Woo hoo! Finally, after a long, hard week, you can let loose. Tonight is all about having a good time. Like those people you overheard earlier talking about some ‘big party.’ That sounds fun! Maybe you should go? It could be awesome. But it could also be super lame. Don’t worry: just take this quiz.
New Jersey Exchange Student Really Needs to Brush Up on His English
BERKELEY, Calif. — According to reports from his professors, GSIs, and classmates, New Jersey exchange student Benny Shoobie has been having trouble adjusting to the English-language mode of instruction at UC Berkeley.
“I know it’s not [Shoobie’s] fault for growing up in another culture, but unfortunately the language barrier is becoming a real issue,” said English Professor Cristina Matthews, who has Shoobie in one of her afternoon classes. “For example, the other day, I had a staff meeting in the morning and had to skip breakfast. By the time I was delivering my lecture, my tummy started rumbling really loudly, and when it did, Benny yelled out, ‘Jeet yet?’. Now, I have no idea what ‘jeet’ is, so I said, ‘I don’t know’. Then he randomly blurted out, ‘Jet?’ and I said, ‘Where?’ and he said, ‘Fugghedaboutit’ and I don’t think I’ve ever been more confused in my life.”
Report: The Hardest Part of Writing a Thesis is Not Telling Everyone You’re Writing One
When challenged on the flaws in Fournier’s analysis, psychology professor Ivor H. Tower, defended his student’s work with zeal.
“Ms. Turner’s own behavior demonstrates that the urge to share the details of one’s academic work, even in a negative light, is a universal human experience,” Tower retorted. “As someone with extensive experience in academia, I can confidently say that Fournier’s study is both insightful and valid. Why the skepticism? Academic research is fascinating and everyone knows it! The undergrads in my classes hang on to every word when I go on tangents about my doctoral work on the psychology of self-absorption.”
Middle School Visiting Berkeley on April 20th Finds Students Surprisingly Happy
BERKELEY, Calif. – Berkeley Middle students and faculty were pleasantly surprised when they toured UC Berkeley this Thursday and found the student body especially friendly, …
BREAKING: Your Professor Knows Why You Didn’t Come to Class Today
“He said, verbatim, ‘and to anyone who missed lecture today, don’t forget that the windows to this classroom face the Glade. I can see you from up here – we can all see you from up here. It’s like getting opera seats at a Grateful Dead concert.’”
OPINION: My Disability Does Not Define Me, But My GPA Does
All of life’s fleeting joys — sunrises, ripe avocados, silly string, hot chocolate — are mere trifles next to my GPA, the pinnacle of my existence that will undoubtedly be relevant in all areas of my life, forever and always.
Architect of Doe Library on Creating a Reverberant Echo Chamber to be Used as a Silent Study Space
In a recent interview, John Galen Howard, architect extraordinaire and builder of Doe Memorial Library, delved into his neoclassical design and his choice in creating a library with acoustics befitting an orchestra concert hall.
Crime Does Not Pay; I Only Make 100k a Year as a UCPD Officer
Take it from me kids, crime does not pay. No matter how many cars I ticket or unhoused people I harass, I’m stuck in this …
Dickriding Student Nods at Professor During Lecture
BERKELEY, Calif.—Sophomore Richard Rider provided his Econ 1 Professor with much needed emotional support this Thursday in a display of body language his peers found “intimidating as fuck.”
“You would do it too, if you shared the kind of intellectual connection Professor Muny and I do,” remarked Rider on his bobblehead-esque behavior. “I mean did you see that supply versus demand graph? Honestly, it moved me to tears, and the last time I cried was back when Steve Jobs died. It’s just such an honor to learn from someone so brilliant, and I had to show her that I was picking up what she was putting down, you know? Real recognize real.”