BERKELEY, Calif.– In a recent public appearance, the Berkeley Transportation Committee finally explained that they chose to stop crosswalk signs from working at night because “it adds some risky fun that makes us feel alive on this tiny rock floating in space.”

“I think we can all agree that life’s been getting boring and needs some spice to add flavor,” explained Berkeley Transportation Committee chairman Ronald O’Danger. “Like, it’s crazy dude. We’re all just working these boring 6-figure 9 to 5 jobs and need a break from the monotony. We need to realize that we’re all just people living in this wild mortal world and that material possessions don’t mean anything. That’s also why our city government does nothing to lower living costs—it doesn’t matter anyways in the grand scheme of the universe!” he continued while listening to the Gal Gadot “Imagine” cover on his airpods. 

“I guess I’m still not really sure how this was approved,” complained longtime Berkeley resident Sam Sharp. “It’s one thing if it shuts down during the daytime to save energy costs or whatever but they do it at night when it’s the most dangerous. It always confused me from a budgetary reason but then I was probably putting more thought into it than they’ve put into anything.”

While most residents voiced disapproval, one was eager to voice his enthusiasm for the initiative:

“We need this as a society,” yelled amateur gambler John Dunn. “Look. Once my wife canceled my Fanduel account and my secret DraftKings account where I bet the exact opposite of what I did on Fanduel, I hit rock bottom. I was betting on fights between those rats that scurry in the bushes on College Avenue. Of course, I was not betting against anyone because no one else would bet on that, but I still kept losing. But then, the city of Berkeley gave me a way to bet more responsibly, by putting my life on the line instead of money. Whenever I cross the street now, I get that same thrill as when I would hear the bushes shake suddenly.” 

Following this decision, the Berkeley Transportation Committee decided to add another confusing stoplight to the College-Claremont 6-way intersection. 

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