As a student at UC Berkeley and the child of two hardcore Rachel Maddow enthusiasts, it’s no surprise that I am surrounded by lots of Joe Biden love. But riddle me this, liberals: if Biden’s presidency has been so good for this country, then how do you explain the void in my soul that only grows larger with each passing day? Checkmate.

People love to cite Biden’s infrastructure plan, and how transformative it was for the American economy. But according to Google, that was passed in November 2021—and yet since then, my social circle has shrunk greatly. I’ve been told that it’s simply due to my ‘infuriating personality’, but all I know for sure is that Joe Biden did nothing to stop it. With the most powerful government on Earth at his disposal, he didn’t even lend me moral support. Remember ladies, if he wanted to, he would.

I feel like I keep hearing people talk about how glad they are to live in a post-Trump era. And believe me, I don’t disagree—in fact, my world was even grayer in 2018; I was playing a lot of Minecraft Bedwars. But at least that guy made me laugh every once in a while. Remember when he drew on that hurricane map in Sharpie? That genuinely made my week. I guess Biden falls over every once in a while but it doesn’t have that same chaotic Russian Roulette-esque energy that makes you feel like the country is constantly about to collapse into anarchy. God, I miss that thrill.

I also just heard that the Biden administration is approving billions in military aid to Israel? Which, geopolitics aside, is a lot of fucking money. And how much is an 8th of weed, like 30 bucks? Come on man, the choice is clear. You could buy a loyal voter for 30 smackaroos, and instead, you’re spending billions on the wrong side of a humanitarian crisis. Trust me Joey, I’m a more valuable connection than anyone at Lockheed-Martin. I can do a backflip and I know Excel.

I’m not the only one who feels this way; with an election coming up, students across the nation feel that their interests are not represented by either candidate. From their antiquated views on climate legislation to tax policy, the youth of America wish there were someone running who actually represents our views. And here’s this bazillion-year old dude whose charisma works as an effective substitute for cogent political opinion. At the very least, Biden could complete my Cameo request and recite Gangnam Style on camera; that alone would juice his approval rating among the young’uns. Imagine the Tik Tok reposts.

At press time, the Biden administration neglected to comment on my growing struggle to get out of bed in the morning.

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