Prestigious schools like USC, UCLA, Georgetown, and Yale are only for the best of the best. The Ivy League and other top tier colleges are for the most intelligent of our nation’s youth, to carefully mold those with the most potential into tomorrow’s leaders. But the FBI recently released a report detailing what anyone could learn from literally a single episode of Gossip Girl: some people don’t earn their way to the top.

“To see people flat out cheat the system by posing as athletes and purchasing their test scores is extremely disheartening for those of us who view higher education as an institution of integrity,” says Yale undergrad Shane Harlings III.

“As a Yale student, I know that I am here because I’ve got brains. I would never be stupid enough to photoshop myself as a rower or buy my test scores,” Harlings continued. Instead, Harlings was clever and used nothing but his intelligence to merit his admission: “I had my dad put in a good word for me with his pal Tom, and we casually donated a million for a new library. I’d never be dumb enough to commit outright fraud. I’m a smart guy, and I impressed Yale by exploiting every legal loophole there was.”

“When I walk through Harlings Hall I feel a great sense of pride, almost as if I’m in a place that was made for me,” Harlings continued. “I guess that’s just how one feels when they’re on a campus where they truly belong. All the stupid people who lied to get in must feel so constantly insecure about how they shouldn’t actually be here.”

Harlings, who has visited Yale ever since he was four, with his alumni father, said that something about the place just always “felt right to him;” and ever since his youth, he worked tirelessly to be the kind of student that Yale would admit.

Harlings finished our interview with some insightful final thoughts: “Honestly, what kind of idiots are paying for their test scores?! If you didn’t pick up on the fact that you can just bribe the Dean, then I’m sorry, but you’re too stupid for Yale! We only take smart people, sorry!”


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