MIAMI, Fla. – Clean water ambassador and rapper Armando C. Pérez, better known as Pitbull, is at the center of a public health crisis.
“A spectre is haunting the state of Florida — the spectre of booty-shaking reggaeton” said Dr. Anthony Fauci, Director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases at a White House press briefing. “This situation is fluid and dangerous,” he elaborated. “As more people succumb to the beat, it has become clear that we need to limit our social interactions and prevent the groove. In particular, we recommend community leaders Pitbull and Jason Derulo reduce their range of activity from worldwide sounds to local ones. Instead of finding girls from New York to Haiti, for example, consider looking between your kitchen and your bathroom.”
Surgeon General Jerome Adams supported Dr. Fauci in his claims, billing booty bass as a matter of public health.
“While some forms of the Miami Sound have existed since the 80s, it’s the novel Miami Sound, or CALLE-8, that we should worry about. We’re concerned about overcrowding the clubs. It might sound ridiculous in a developed country like ours, but we simply don’t have the nightlife infrastructure that countries like the Netherlands do.”
Mr. Worldwide initially declined to comment on the CDC’s announcement, but eventually provided his commentary in the bridge of a Camila Cabello song.
“I’m not Future, but I’ll wear a mask / I’ll make it rain so you can wash your hands / The flow’s not a virus, but it’s still sick / I’m in the club, never looked so slick,” the rapper proclaimed, promoting basic disease control measures. He does not, however, intend to stop promoting music entirely. “None of the docs can stop me (Dale)/ Hittin’ New York, Seattle, Miami (Yeah) / If you’re red in the face like Gordon Ramsey / Don’t hold your breath, I’ll still get those Grammys,” he announced, seeming to mock those afflicted by his music.
If you believe you are suffering from the Miami Sound, please contact your primary healthcare provider. Common symptoms include fever up to 104°F, respiratory difficulties, and having a badonkadonk like a trunk full of bass on an old school Chevy.