WASHINGTON — Hundreds of UCDC interns have gathered outside the Capitol building today to protest the expulsion of resume-fabricator role model Rep. George Santos.
One student in the crowd was Gavin McAlpin, a junior at UC Berkeley.
“As a UCDC junior future-Senator-President-to-be in training, I’m using my platform for good to advocate for real, positive change for this country—keeping George Santos in office,” said McAlpin. “We UCDC interns have done everything, ranging from sharing news posts to our Instagram stories with the caption ‘so sad’ to blocking Congressional workers from entering the building unless they agreed to add us back on LinkedIn.”
The sentiment was shared by another UCDC intern in attendance, Maddie Rockefeller.
“Government today is so corrupt! It’s just a circlejerk of the elite advocating for one another and holding on to power while us little people get left in the dust! It’s like they’ve totally forgotten what ‘democracy’ means!” started Rockefeller, yes relation. “Santos—now, he’s different. He’s not just representing New York’s 3rd District, but people like me: someone who lied on my resume to get this position. ”
Others view Santos’ expulsion in a positive light, as it shows that those in power can be held accountable and, more importantly, gives professors something to talk about.
“Despite his brief tenure in office, Santos leaves behind a lasting legacy. Santos will go down in history as the first Republican expelled from the House, the first representative to be expelled without a prior felony conviction, and the first to be expelled without expressing support for the Confederate States of America,” mused Political Science professor Reed Mytekystbökz. “Santos’ departure will make for a rich, fruitful discussion point in my lectures. Usually, we teach our aspiring politicians the importance of campaigning or political parties, but I think now we plan to incorporate how to falsify your entire background into our curriculum.”
Neither Santos nor his team have disclosed what his next steps will be, but sources close to the first openly LGBT, non-incumbent Republican to be elected to Congress have already begun speculating.
“I always knew George was one messy bitch. Some people think he was expelled for his corruption, his lack of qualifications, or even for being an openly gay Republican—but that is not the case at all!” said Brazilian drag superstar Mia Culpa, who claims she has worked with Santos in the past. “I bet he was expelled for having such a busted mug! He thinks he can impersonate and steal the identities of his donors, but he doesn’t have the makeup skills! He should have misused those campaign funds to hire a better stylist.”
With Santos’ departure, ‘suddenly’ authentic prior experience matters, and hundreds of UCDC interns fear they could be next. Despite public outcry from his supporters, there are currently no plans to reinstate Santos, and he is expected to ‘sashay away’ from office this Monday.