BERKELEY, Calif. — In a romantic gesture that has stirred hearts across UC Berkeley, the campus’s online administrative portal, CalCentral, has begun placing “affectionate holds” on student accounts.
“I was mentally preparing to sift through the list of classes I didn’t even want to take but had to because somehow, as a senior, I still got the worst enrollment time.” shared Ryan Heir, a super senior majoring in Latin. “I logged into CalCentral expecting the usual ‘RSF waiver overdue’ notification, but instead, I was greeted by a hold on my account, virtually wrapped in red ribbons. It was confusingly charming, like receiving a love letter from someone you didn’t know had your address.”
The affectionate hold, which prevents students like Heir from registering for classes, viewing grades, being able to use financial aid, or receiving basic necessities like food from the college, is reportedly the University’s way of ensuring that students feel acknowledged and cared for during the lonely mid-February stretch.
“We understand that Valentine’s Day is a sensitive time for our students that brings up bad memories of the communal experience of not getting any Valentine’s notes from anyone during freshman year of high school,” said Tee Auckinghead, a spokesperson for UC Berkeley. “This year, we wanted to show them love by getting intimately involved with their academic and financial affairs. Think of it as our system sending you a heartfelt ‘I love you’ or ‘I need you to pay the outstanding balance of 12 dollars, otherwise I’ll irreparably ruin your academic career.'”
While some students (geography) found the gesture endearing, others expressed frustration.
“I tried to pay off my tuition, but CalCentral’s hold said ‘Not so fast, my love language is quality time, which means you need to show up for me,'” complained Zohar Tamir. “Now, I’m stuck going on a date with an administrative system that won’t let me order transcripts for my job until I have listened to a Spotify playlist of its favorite love songs.”
In response to feedback, UC Berkeley has announced plans to launch a companion feature called “Unrequited Love,” where students can send heartfelt appeals to have their holds removed, only to be gently ghosted for an indeterminate period of time. Reportedly, this feature is rumored to have been modeled after the Berkeley experience of emailing your academic advisor, or getting a response to your email titled “URGENT: MAINTENANCE REQUEST”.