BERKELEY, Calif. — Restless students fantasizing about their Taco Tuesday plans in Wheeler 150 attempted to pay attention to their ECON 1 professor throughout the hour-and-a-half lecture, yet one student’s arrival with unmaximized utility left attendees with an unforgettable experience. Freshman student Emily ‘DJ’ Burns traded in her (intended) B.A. in Economics for a B.S. in Mixonomics after her stomach released what came to be the hottest chart-climbing house record “Heart Deflation.”
“At first I was embarrassed, but then I thought to myself, When life gives you lemons, make lemonade, which sounded really good at the moment,” said Burns nonchalantly, reaching to take a drag from her disposable Mango-A-Hoe-Hoe e-cigarette. “I had back-to-back classes all day, and to be fair, I was on TikTok for the entirety of lecture, so after class when I reviewed the lecture recording I got to mixing lemonade and straight heat.”
Following that life-altering lecture, Burns worked closely alongside her frat situationship, sixth year senior Landon Bradley, to complete the track and publish it to SoundCloud, quickly amassing media coverage and label offers within a matter of days.
“Oh yeah, Brittany, I mean, Emily, hit me up to make a track on this sick deck my Mom just copped for me,” said Bradley, speaking above a background of ringtones obnoxiously declaring new Tinder notifications. “Between you and me I was going to make like a chip and dip, but unfortunately the Zyns don’t pay for themselves, so I sent her a prompt reply back at 2:30 in the morning and we got to business!”
With Berkeley’s reputation shifting to resemble that of Berklee’s in a matter of days, some of Burn’s classmates like sophomore Zac Anderson have reflected on their experience in the presence of a star in the making.
“I’ve gone to every single lecture this semester and I’ve never seen her here before,” grumbled Anderson, unamused. “Her stomach was persistently growling the entire lecture, but once Professor drew a supply and demand curve for Artichoke’s Pizza it was game over, I honestly thought the San Andreas fault was rupturing!”
While some theorize it was all a ploy to win back Bradley, others claim sheer luck. Though many attended subsequent lectures to try to sneak a glimpse of upcoming EDM artist DJ Burns, they were met with dismay upon finding out Burns has now allotted lecture time as lunchtime in her bCal.