Are you a socially awkward former “AP Scholar” who wants everyone to know how annoying you are? Worry not: here are a few things to say if you want to be the most insufferable person in any conversation!
“Actually, I Took a Gap Year”
Okay, Brittany, we all know that you’re a year older than the rest of the freshman class. You were supposed to graduate a year earlier than those little twerps, but you fucked off to Europe for six months to “find yourself.” In between getting blackout drunk and begging the locals to speak English, I bet you caught yourself wondering what it would be like to be at college, just like the rest of us. Now we all know that you’re actually 19, not 18, and that your journey through the 5 most expensive world cities using your dad’s credit card has made your emotional maturity skyrocket.
“I’m Technically a Sophomore in CalCentral”
Congratulations! Just like everyone at this godforsaken university, you took a ton of AP classes that gave you no real credit, besides maybe saving you from the rhetoric and math requirements. But those classes you suffered through still gave you units, which boosted your freshman ass to sophomore status in CalCentral. You were just as depressed and academically overworked as the rest of us in high school, but feel the need to announce this computer system technicality as proof of an achievement that doesn’t even change your enrollment date. Truly, my best regards.
“I’m from LA”
You are from Valencia.
“I Might Pull an All-Nighter”
The next time a man says this to impress me, I’m going to abandon civilization, Walden-style. None of you will hear from me for two years as I live alone in a cabin in the woods, finally fucking free, and when I return, I will pull out my finished hippie bestseller and read this excerpt: “This is performative academic bullshit. You will watch Youtube all night, write two lines of code for your data structures assignment and then fall asleep with Better Call Saul blaring in the background at three in the morning. You are not cooler or smarter for getting no sleep, especially if you can’t even stay awake to actually prove that you stayed up all night. Next time, just suffer in silence like the rest of us.”
“I Write for The Free Peach”
LOSER!