NEW YORK – On Wednesday, UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson was denied his claim to keep living by an unidentified gunman. While reactions have ranged from indifference to the opposite of condolences, many UC Berkeley students have made the profound realization that this murder was inappropriately timed: four days too early to be during dead week.
“I find this incident completely disgusting and shocking. I have no idea why people are celebrating,” declared MCB major Um Eeba. “We have a dedicated week called dead week for a reason. This assassin completely jumped the gun by not doing the killing during the appropriate week. Maybe it’s like one of those classes where the professor completely fucking ignores the purpose of dead week, and all the assignments for the class are finished during the last week of classes… so I guess Brian Thompson’s semester just ended earlier than expected.”
UnitedHealthcare customer Joy Full explained her reaction to the news.
“At first, I was just shocked and didn’t react. But then, I continued to not react, just like how UnitedHealthcare didn’t react to my request to cover my mom’s emergency quadruple bypass surgery. However, to be fair, he was a person under some definitions. Above all else, we must remember his legacy by not helping his family financially at all.”
Following the attack, individuals that reported seeing the gunman have either delayed or denied giving those details to investigators, citing their need to cram all 45 lectures they missed during the semester.