BERKELEY, Calif. — Following their legacy of derivative research studies that no one asked for, researchers at Stanford University have confirmed that you (yes, you) …
Update: God Misinterpreted My Prayers to ‘Get Soaked’
I seldom pray to God. The only times I’ve prayed to God have been: during college admissions decisions, before confronting my parents about my childhood …
Judged Too Soon? Professor Actually Kind of Cool
BERKELEY, Calif. — Cal Junior Ruby Cornejo rescinded her reprimands this Thursday after realizing that her political science professor may actually be kind of cool. …
Opinion: What the Fuck is a Coffee Chat???
My friends and family may describe me as a “satire writer,” but this time, I’m being completely serious: what the fuck is a coffee chat? …
UC Berkeley Announces New ‘Zero Waste by 1970’ Campaign
BERKELEY, Calif. – After the massive success of UC Berkeley’s ‘Zero Waste by 2020’ campaign, the university’s administration has announced that it will be pulling …
The Free Peach’s Unofficial Guide to Note-Taking at Berkeley
As the new semester starts, and many of you decide to try to go to class, we here at The Free Peach wanted to provide …
Turning Point USA Holds Rally Against Liberal Arts
BERKELEY, Calif. – Protesting the greatest liberal conspiracy since the 2020 election, a group of passionate students from Turning Point USA took to Sproul this morning. …
Canceled? Babies Revealed to Kick Pregnant Women
LOS ANGELES, Calif.– Shock befell the nation today as babies everywhere had their troubling histories revealed. Amelia Peterson, chief reporter for The Washington Post’s child …
PSA: It Would Be Great If You All Stopped Going to Class
At the beginning of each new semester we face a recurring vicious problem, even worse than institutional racism and/or getting your socks wet. This problem …
Berkeley Police Dedicate People’s Park Barricade With Land Acknowledgement
BERKELEY, Calif. – Protestors and pedestrians watched in disbelief Friday morning as 400 law enforcement officers began their daily barricade enforcement of People’s Park with …