BERKELEY, Calif. – On January 11th, 2024, BART announced a new plan to thwart pesky turnstile hoppers through the employment of a blood-curdling, spine-chilling troll …
Opinion: Increase Berkeley Time to 15 Minutes Because I’m Really Out of Shape
BERKELEY, Calif. – In this revolutionary opinion piece, I am officially calling for the university to increase Berkeley time from ten to fifteen minutes. The …
‘Listen to Black Voices!’ Says White Man With Dreadlocks
FREMONT, Calif. – Black History Month has inspired conversations on Black issues—especially on how to best serve and represent the community. To see the range …
Coffee Chat Followed by Bathroom Break
BERKELEY, Calif. — In the midst of recruiting for clubs, sophomore Krispen Kreamer followed her coffee chat with a bathroom break. Outside the bathroom at …
NBA Super Star? My Ex Sets a Rebound Record
BERKELEY, Calif. — In a turn of events that has left statisticians scrambling for their calculators, sophomore Duncan Dribblen has officially shattered the world record …
CalCentral Places Affectionate Hold on Accounts Just in Time for Valentine’s Day
BERKELEY, Calif. — In a romantic gesture that has stirred hearts across UC Berkeley, the campus’s online administrative portal, CalCentral, has begun placing “affectionate holds” …
Opinion: I’m Celebrating This Weekend With a Super Bowl
Gather around the couch, make your favorite snacks, and turn on the TV, because this weekend it’s time for the super bowl. Wait, what’s this …
Taylor Swift Tells Environmental Activists To ‘Shake It Off’
LAS VEGAS, Nevada. — In a decision resulting in white women becoming the most defensive group since the time people asked them to stop filming …
Opinion: Something About the Bourgeoisie Doesn’t Sit Right With Me
As a Political Economy major, I have become familiar with the works of many political theorists, most notably Karl Marx. After reading the Communist Manifesto, …
Report: Yes, You Do Look Like a Fucking Loser Waiting for Your ‘Friends’ at Strada
BERKELEY, Calif. — Following their legacy of derivative research studies that no one asked for, researchers at Stanford University have confirmed that you (yes, you) …