We’ve all been there. No worse feeling exists than waking up on Friday afternoon, hungover, with the recollection that your participation grade is worth the …
UCPD Announces 40,000 Suspects in GBC Banana Heist
BERKELEY, Calif.– A campus-wide email sent on Monday evening shocked students, as they learned that amongst them walked a hardened criminal: the mastermind architect behind …
Major Advisor Now Only Reachable Through Séance
BERKELEY, Calif. – In a spooky turn of events, Computer Science Undergraduate Advisor Gong Whitdee Ngyuen has apparently changed their meeting availability to séance-only appointments. …
Professor Offers Extra Credit to Students Who Fail Midterm in Costume
BERKELEY, Calif.– Students enrolled in ECON 100B, Cobalt and Child Labor: A Match Made in Heaven, were dismayed to learn that their midterm would be …
Shocking: This Parent Found Bladee in Child’s Halloween Candy
BERKELEY, Calif. – Despite taking the necessary precautions as advised by the Berkeley Police Department, local parent Dray Ner was mortified to find that their …
51B Scares Passengers for Halloween by Arriving On Time
BERKELEY, Calif. – In a truly terrifying turn of events earlier tonight, the 51B arrived: not two minutes early, not twenty-seven minutes late, but exactly …
Report: ‘Sexy Cat’ Neither Sexy Nor Cat
BERKELEY, Calif. — An investigative report led by renowned geneticist Professor Jennifer Doudna has revealed after rigorous research and genome sequencing that the infamous “sexy …
‘It’s Hell for You,’ Decides Jesus, After You Press ‘No Tip’ on iPad
BERKELEY, Calif. – An all-knowing being came to a conclusion this morning when you made the life-damning decision of pressing ‘No Tip’ on the iPad. …
Xfinity Releases Premium Plan Where Your Wi-Fi Actually Works
PHILADELPHIA, Penn. – Today, Xfinity outlined a new premium pricing arrangement, in which a paltry $19.99 monthly surcharge would reward users with working Wi-Fi. CEO …
Friend Keeps Saying ‘Facts’ Though I Doubt His Statement Was Peer-Reviewed
Recently, my friend Aidan has punctuated every statement with “facts.” That’s fine, it’s a perfectly good ad-lib, but I have serious doubts his assertions have …