BERKELEY, Calif – In a moment of parental ignorance and confusion, the Smith family left their 9-year-old son unattended in Doe. “It all happened so …
Rich Friend Who ‘Owns an Island’ Just Has Upscale Kitchen
ALBANY, Calif.– In an age where extreme wealth has accumulated at the very top of the nation’s income distribution, Cal student Will Daly was shocked …
Great Minds Think Alike? Professor Uses Restroom After Me
Reserve me a Nobel spot, book me a speaking tour, and stick me in the corner office; there’s irrefutable evidence that I’m a genius on …
Berkeley Commemorates Anniversary of Free Speech Movement by Arresting Activists
BERKELEY, Calif.– In commemoration of the upcoming 59th anniversary of the Free Speech Movement, the City of Berkeley has capitalized on nostalgia for simpler times …
Report: Lecture Great Time to Get Literally Anything Else Done
BERKELEY, Calif. — After opening the discussion for questions during Tuesday’s lecture, Professor Gopal Jhaveri was left utterly speechless at the lack of speech from …
Bipartisan King? McCarthy Reaches Across Aisle to Get Both Sides to Hate Him
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Following an excruciating nine month tenure, California Republican Kevin McCarthy has been ousted by his party members and enemies (which overlap quite …
‘Social Impact Consulting’ and Three Other Ways to Only Sell Out Halfway
For many UC Berkeley students, being entrenched in capitalist society means a certain dilemma wreaks daily havoc on the psyche: financial security or having a …
Fact-Checking the Second GOP Primary Debate
WASHINGTON D.C – Following the Second Republican Primary Debate, held at the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library in Simi Valley, news outlets were quick to correct …
Opinion: I Deleted Social Media Because I’m a Better, More Successful Person than You
Yes, though I know many of you may be shocked and appalled, the rumors are true. I have, in fact, deleted all social media platforms …
Senior Celebrates ‘Last First’ Mental Breakdown of the School Year
BERKELEY, Calif. – Following celebrations of his ‘last first’ lecture and his ‘last first’ Taco Tuesday, Senior Dan Sobbing had his last first mental breakdown …