LOS ANGELES, Calif.– Shock befell the nation today as babies everywhere had their troubling histories revealed. Amelia Peterson, chief reporter for The Washington Post’s child …
PSA: It Would Be Great If You All Stopped Going to Class
At the beginning of each new semester we face a recurring vicious problem, even worse than institutional racism and/or getting your socks wet. This problem …
Berkeley Police Dedicate People’s Park Barricade With Land Acknowledgement
BERKELEY, Calif. – Protestors and pedestrians watched in disbelief Friday morning as 400 law enforcement officers began their daily barricade enforcement of People’s Park with …
UC Berkeley Admin: People’s Park Stands in Way of ‘People’s Park Memorial Hall’
BERKELEY, Calif. — In the middle of the night on Jan. 3rd, campus officials deployed 1400 riot police to initiate long-anticipated plans to construct a …
Report: Dead Week Fling Not Helping Anybody
BERKELEY, Calif. — Troubled waters lie ahead for ambitious sophomores Kent Fokus and Anita Studdy, whose now 82-hour-old fling began this past Sunday night. “I …
Clickbait! Female Professor’s ‘Partner’ Actually Just Straight Husband
BERKELEY, Calif. — On Wednesday morning, an American Studies class’s final review session erupted in turmoil when professor Genevieve Bater accidentally projected a photo of …
$4 Supermarket Wine Has Notes of Alcohol
BERKELEY, Calif. – Local sommelier and Chi Omega social chair, Michelle Klein, has discovered that one of the $3.99 bottles of Charles Shaw Shiraz purchased …
‘I’m Allergic to LaTeX,’ Says Student Who Only Uses Raw Data
BERKELEY, Calif. – As finals approach, students have inevitably flocked to citation managers and word processors to mock-up their final projects. However, despite a deluge …
BREAKING: UCDC Interns Who Also Lied On Resumes Stand in Solidarity with Santos
WASHINGTON — Hundreds of UCDC interns have gathered outside the Capitol building today to protest the expulsion of resume-fabricator role model Rep. George Santos. One …
Pope Admits He Could Kiss a Man, But Never Date One
VATICAN CITY –– For the first time in its centuries-old history, the Vatican’s top dog is leading the Roman Catholic Church in what some call …