LOS ANGELES, Calif. – Public opinion polling amongst your family has reaffirmed the sentiment that Thanksgiving this year is a drag without Repeckah, your beloved …
Asking “What Are Your Plans After College?” and Four Other Signs Your Family is TOXIC This Thanksgiving
Ah yes, you can hear the fire cracking over the familial chatter in the other room, and the spirit of giving and love is omnipresent …
APEC: U.S. and China Reach Diplomatic Agreement to be Horrible Together
SAN FRANCISCO – U.S. President Joe Biden and Chinese President Xi Jinping made strides towards a stronger alliance by reaching a diplomatic agreement to be …
‘Is it Berkeley Time?’ Asks Man About Grandma’s Funeral
LOS ANGELES – Recent Berkeley graduate Tim Atkins was spotted arriving late to his grandmother’s funeral at his hometown church after asking his family members …
Report: Majority of Those Attending Big Game Lack It
STANFORD, Calif. – This weekend, the Cal football team will be competing in its 126th Big Game, a campus tradition lasting as long as it …
‘We’re Gonna Destroy Them This Weekend,’ Says Stanford About Minorities
STANFORD, Calif. – In anticipation of the Big Game this weekend, Stanford students, fans, and faculty have joined together to spread the message that they …
Career Confusion: Is Handshake Really Necessary or Can I Just Apply Directly with a Handjob?
Listen, I think I’m speaking for everyone when I say: whatever happened to the good old days when a nice, firm handjob was enough to …
Pixar Halts All Production After Nemo Eaten by Fraternity Pledge
LOS ANGELES — The long-running SAG-AFTRA strike took a turn for the worse last Wednesday when Hollywood starlet Nemo the clownfish was found dead in …
Checkmate, Liberals: If Biden is So Good for America, Then Why Do I Feel Empty All the Time?
As a student at UC Berkeley and the child of two hardcore Rachel Maddow enthusiasts, it’s no surprise that I am surrounded by lots of …
Guy Who Knows a Spot Takes You to Berkeley Social Club
BERKELEY, Calif. – After proclaiming his knowledge of secret and underrated date spots on campus, Cal junior Chad Chad decided to impress his new romantic …