WASHINGTON, D.C. – Following an excruciating nine month tenure, California Republican Kevin McCarthy has been ousted by his party members and enemies (which overlap quite …
‘Social Impact Consulting’ and Three Other Ways to Only Sell Out Halfway
For many UC Berkeley students, being entrenched in capitalist society means a certain dilemma wreaks daily havoc on the psyche: financial security or having a …
Fact-Checking the Second GOP Primary Debate
WASHINGTON D.C – Following the Second Republican Primary Debate, held at the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library in Simi Valley, news outlets were quick to correct …
Opinion: I Deleted Social Media Because I’m a Better, More Successful Person than You
Yes, though I know many of you may be shocked and appalled, the rumors are true. I have, in fact, deleted all social media platforms …
Senior Celebrates ‘Last First’ Mental Breakdown of the School Year
BERKELEY, Calif. – Following celebrations of his ‘last first’ lecture and his ‘last first’ Taco Tuesday, Senior Dan Sobbing had his last first mental breakdown …
Dianne Feinstein to Continue Filibustering Vote on Green New Deal Via Zoom Call From Hell
WASHINGTON, D.C. – After serving a minuscule 31 years in the U.S. Senate, Dianne Feinstein has announced she plans to continue blocking any progress on …
Foreign Language Professor Will Feel My Wrath as Soon as I Get Vocab and Grammar Down
BERKELEY, Calif.– Japanese professor Manko Wareme was in for a shock Monday, after coming back from the weekend to an irate yet incoherent, poorly-structured, and …
‘Business Business Business,’ Says Wall Street Journal About Something, Probably
NEW YORK CITY – After a series of major shocks involving stocks and banks, financial news outlets are declaring that things have happened with money …
OPINION: Climate Change is Good and Prevents My Seasonal Depression
Every summer for the past few years I have heard the all too familiar phrase: “This summer was the hottest summer on record.” As summers …
New Telegraph Establishment to Sell Experimental Drink ‘Boba’
Berkeley, Calif. –– Telegraph Avenue is no stranger to a continuous turnover of culinary businesses trying to balance extravagant commercial rent and an irritating, bookwormy …