“I had a huuuge crush on this person for the first week of class,” Sophomore Isaac Newton reports. “They were really hot, endlessly cool, and seemed like they could never make such a silly mistake as tripping on the backpack that the person next to them left in the middle of the fucking row, for some reason. But they did! And now I’m so glad that I will never approach them or compliment them or include them in the thousand-person group chat we have that shares all of the correct answers to every homework assignment.”
The Disgusting Truth: bCourses Confetti From Assignment Submission Not Compostable
In an age of increasing global climate catastrophe, environmental destruction, mass extinction, and degradation of human health, you’d think that the University of California, Berkeley …
Oh No: Due to Decades of Severe Gerrymandering, This Congressman is Now Shaped Like Chile
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Decades of intense gerrymandering have taken their toll on Congressman Rutherford Bates Lee (R-VA), whose body now resembles the Republic of Chile. …
Shocking: Fewer Than 1% of American Voters Value Candidates’ “Stance on the War of 1812”
WASHINGTON, D.C – A new nationwide poll by Gallup found that while most registered voters picked inflation, abortion access, and cost of living as key …
Groundhog Eats Shadow; Message Unclear
PUNXSUTAWNEY, Pa. – Millions of people gathered today to witness the beautiful, sacred tradition that has blessed the lands of Punxsutawney for generations: Groundhog Day. …
Opinion: Where The Fuck is Barker?
The semester started like every other: I swear that I’ll go to lecture. I miss my bus that was seven minutes late. I curse fate for inhibiting learning that I truly value and show up for. I pull up CalCentral 10 minutes before class to make sure all my classes are in Dwinelle like usual. That is, until I see it: Rhetoric-103B, Barker 101.
Savant Junior Who ‘Has a Lot of AP Credits’ and Is Graduating Early Crowned ‘World’s Smartest Man’
While a well-deserved victory and recognition of Biggs’ gargantuan achievements, the title isn’t an effortless one to bear — without continually letting all of his peers know his unit count and test scores, Biggs might risk losing his award.
Professor Outraged: Disabled Student Stuck in Elevator Doesn’t Even Show Up for Class
BERKELEY, Calif. – In a brazen move, CED junior Clarisa Flores has missed the first two weeks of classes after getting trapped in Wheeler’s elevator, …
Tragic! This Mayfly Will Live Its Entire Life on a Monday
“There are fates worse than death, and this is one of them,” explained entomologist and mayfly welfare enthusiast Garfield Garfield, who hasn’t experienced death yet and seems to lack the credentials necessary to make this bold claim. “I wish I could help the little guy out, I really do, but I am afraid there is nothing to be done. Perhaps with a bit of effort and the right environmental conditions, the mayfly will make it to Tuesday morning, but at what cost? Forced to endure the living Hell that is the first day of the work week…to have its soul slowly but effectively crushed by the relentless gears of corporate capitalism? And all of this just to lick the unwashed taint of a slightly-less-shitty day? It’s probably best to just squish the poor thing right now and relieve it of its misery.”
SUPERB Updates Crowd Control Measures by Promising That All Future Performances Will Only Feature Nickelback
BERKELEY, Calif.— Following a severe failure at crowd control during their Soulja Boy concert last Friday, ASUC SUPERB has promised to update their crowd control …