“That’s right dude, the job is a complete lush – I’m working at Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated. They’re sending me an access badge too; my job title is ‘Junior Inator Inspector.’ How cool is that? Yeah the pay’s great, I think six figures? And three of them are before the decimal!”
Math 54 Tries Out Exciting New Instruction-Free Course Curriculum
BERKELEY, Calif. — Following the departure of instructors Kelli Talaska and Katrin Wehrheim from Math 54 (Linear Algebra & Differential Equations), the UC Berkeley math …
The Ugly Truth Behind Bangs: Foreheads
BERKELEY, Calif. – A groundbreaking research paper from the University of California, Berkeley’s Department of Hair has revealed that beneath 99% of bangs lies a forehead.
BREAKING: Milky Way Galaxy Equilibrium Disrupted After I Gave My Girlfriend The Entire World for Valentine’s Day
Earth inhabitants awoke this Tuesday morning to views of asteroids and an eerie darkness outside their windows. Though the physical planet remained intact, it was clear that Earth no longer existed in the Milky Way Galaxy. Where did it go? The hands of my beautiful girlfriend.
“Did You Hear About This?” Asks Mom About to Tell You Something Blatantly Untrue
BERKELEY, Calif. – In her most recent Whatsapp message, Junior Jyothi Reddy’s mother forwarded her a news story about a Trader Joe’s lacing their Himalayan Rock Salt with Fentanyl and moldy shredded parmesan, followed by asking “Did You Hear About this?”
“I tried to explain to her that it makes no sense for a grocery store to spend tens of thousands of dollars on fentanyl and then put that in their food to try to poison the people who give them money. She just kept saying that ‘it says it right there so it must be true,’” explained Reddy. “She sends like ten of these posts a week. I remember the last time, it was something about how Vladimir Putin was actually having an illicit affair with Ron Desantis in the Cayman Islands and the picture looked like it was made in MS Paint.”
Innovation: AC Transit Consolidates All Lines Into 31-Decker Bus
OAKLAND, Calif. – In response to Governor Newsom’s new state transportation budget, AC Transit has announced a plan to reduce operating costs. “We recognize that …
University Hopes to Make Building Names Less Controversial by Numbering Them on a Scale of Major Difficulty
BERKELEY, Calif. – As of 10:00 AM Thursday morning, Michael Josh’s stepbrother and UC President, Michael Drake, approved the unnaming of Moses Hall – citing …
New Study Shows That People Who Cross the Crosswalk Just Before the Walk Sign Turns On Have Bigger Penises
“We all know this feat takes ‘big balls’,” remarked UCSF testicular researcher Dr. Amadeus Wellington on Thundercock’s achievement. “But the age-old question remains — is there any correlation between crosswalk crossing time and penis size? Thanks to my team of UCSF’s top penisologists, that question is now answered.”
‘Two Inches Is Honestly a Lot, Like, Well Above Average, Actually,’ Says Weatherman
“It’s important to appreciate all precipitation, no matter how small, for its fun and unique qualities. Some rain is hard, fast, and finishes quickly, while others are slow, drawn out, and get a tad boring if they go on for a while. Sometimes rain can even slant a little, which is completely normal by the way!”
Awkward: Robert Reich Just Revealed How Shitty Your Essay was to his One Million Twitter Followers
“In all my years of teaching, and being an advisor to President Obama, and being an advisor to President Clinton, and to Carter, Lincoln, Washington, one, two, skip a few, and finally Lucy the Ape, I have never seen a policy memo this insulting!” the esteemed Professor Reich wrote, “which makes sense, given that my GSIs are the ones who usually grade everything.”