“JUST when I think I’ve got my opening, another student comes by! I could leave and just let someone else takeover, but wouldn’t that just be rude to all the other people that I didn’t stay to hold the door open for?”
‘It Adds Some Risky Fun,’ Says Berkeley Transportation Commission on Why the Crosswalk Signs Don’t Work at Night
BERKELEY, Calif.– In a recent public appearance, the Berkeley Transportation Committee finally explained that they chose to stop crosswalk signs from working at night because “it adds some risky fun that makes us feel alive on this tiny rock floating in space.”
‘Now Let’s Take a Silly One!’ Says GSI Immediately Following Midterm
BERKELEY, Calif. – Beleaguered students had their spirits lifted Friday as their CS 61b GSI, Gray D. Naughton, announced a make-up midterm opportunity immediately following …
Male Berkeley Student Expresses His Love for Women by Dominating His Class Feminism Discussion
“It’s just so horrible what women have to go through in their day-to-day lives,” mused Lencer, cutting off the female classmate we were trying to interview. “As a man who values women for more than their bodies, I took it upon myself to share all the struggles women go through. Many of them seemed hesitant to share, holding up their hand and waiting for the professor to call on them, but I did not let this stop me from shouting out and sharing lived experiences for them. But don’t worry, I have a friend who’s a woman, so I get it.”
‘Women Can’t Make Jokes,’ Says Man Who Is Living Proof That His Mom Can
BERKELEY, Calif. — Local man Arthur Boisely displayed an extraordinary lack of self-awareness last Friday when he remarked that “women can’t make jokes” despite being …
“America is in a Truly Dark Place Right Now” says Political Pundit at Night
“Jeff is right on the money for a variety of reasons,” explained fellow Fox News host and manslaughter suspect Sally Stabs. “People need to understand that when you can’t directly see an object, it no longer exists. The liberal lamestream media is once again trying to act like the world is more complex than that. Honestly, this is why Republicans keep winning, because we know that the average person doesn’t believe in this hippy nonsense of the earth rotating or New York State homicide laws or whatever. Big light in sky go bye bye so that means it goes bye bye forever and we should all panic and pay Elon Musk to fix it with SpaceX.”
Shocker: This Nobel Prize Laureate Is Pretty Shit at Teaching
“Teaching students is my part-time job – I’d rather work with my GSIs on groundbreaking research than explain basic supply and demand over and over again to these 19-year-old imbeciles,” asserted McCarthy. “Education, especially in economics, should be gatekept from those who don’t have the capacity to understand everything on the first try. Call that perfect competition.”
GBC Now Offering Marc Fisher’s Hard Lemonade
Traveling the slopes of Grizzly Peak and the rugged valleys of Strawberry Canyon, Marc Fisher has been searching for the most delectable lemons to create premium, top-shelf hard lemonade.
Double, Double Toil and Trouble: I Dissolved my Diva Cup in a Pot on the Stove
To prepare, I set my large cast iron rounded pot on the fire in my backyard and began filling my pot with various brews (water). My two closest friends (proximity-wise, not emotionally), came to join me (they left their rooms, we are roommates).
Parents Urging You to Take Better Care of Yourself Definitely After Your Organs
“A few years ago, I gave my dad one of my kidneys… the worst mistake of my life. I gave him a taste of low blood-toxicity, and ever since he’s been fiending for my second one. I don’t know what to do now. Last week he sent me an article claiming that ‘dialysis isn’t so bad’ and how I would ‘get on perfectly fine’ with ‘no functioning kidneys at all…’ Some days I catch him staring longingly at my abdomen, occasionally licking his lips with this terrifying glint in his eyes. I should have never gotten him hooked.”