In a recent interview, John Galen Howard, architect extraordinaire and builder of Doe Memorial Library, delved into his neoclassical design and his choice in creating a library with acoustics befitting an orchestra concert hall.
Crime Does Not Pay; I Only Make 100k a Year as a UCPD Officer
Take it from me kids, crime does not pay. No matter how many cars I ticket or unhoused people I harass, I’m stuck in this …
Dickriding Student Nods at Professor During Lecture
BERKELEY, Calif.—Sophomore Richard Rider provided his Econ 1 Professor with much needed emotional support this Thursday in a display of body language his peers found “intimidating as fuck.”
“You would do it too, if you shared the kind of intellectual connection Professor Muny and I do,” remarked Rider on his bobblehead-esque behavior. “I mean did you see that supply versus demand graph? Honestly, it moved me to tears, and the last time I cried was back when Steve Jobs died. It’s just such an honor to learn from someone so brilliant, and I had to show her that I was picking up what she was putting down, you know? Real recognize real.”
Some Much Needed Reform: Oski No Longer Has Veto Power Over the ASUC Senate
BERKELEY, Calif. – Following a contentious vote, the totalled tallies on Friday evening signified a shocking victory for reform-advocates on campus; in an overwhelming 65% …
LinkedIn Premium Introduces Feature to Subtract Connections
“We’ve been, essentially, blind to an entire market,” explained CEO Ryan Roslansky. “The mistake has been our own – why the fixation on a world of infinite connectivity? Instead, we can take the panopticon of infinite connectivity and upcharge a means of escape. That is to say, we’re offering our antisocial clientele an ability to ‘pay-not-to-play,’ and to unilaterally sever connections.”
Delay in Response Email From Advisor Delayed Due to Delay From Having to Write Too Many Delay in Responses
At press time, Chancellor Christ explained that in order to hire more advisors she would either need to limit the funding going towards research, housing, or lower her own salary. She further explained that all of these options are unacceptable and would go against Berkeley’s values, whereas brutally fighting the system in order to get advice is very much in line with Berkeley culture.
OPINION: There is a Man in Your Room
There is no denying the facts: there is a man in your room. He’s standing over there, right where you usually leave your pile of laundry on your desk chair. Maybe you’re rubbing your eyes wondering if he’s real. He is. Very. He’s about 6’1, slender, and yeah, he’s wearing a tophat. He’s fucking stylish.
We’ve been hard at work formulating the perfect drug. Benadryl™ has been packaged in syrups, creams, chewable tablets, and a wide variety of over-the-counter deliriants. Now, in response to popular demand, we’ve begun adding extra diphenhydramine to each dosage of Benadryl™, the perfect amount to recognize that There Is A Man In Your Room. He Is Next To The Door. Don’t Look At Him.
Impressive? Waka Flocka’s ‘No Hands’ Inspired by Learning to Ride a Bike
BERKELEY, Calif. — Cal students were in shock Tuesday morning after a new study revealed that the hit song “No Hands” was a tribute to …
Oopsies! Cal Admissions Accidentally Accepts YOU
In a stunning turn of events, the University of California, Berkeley, has made a groundbreaking error in its admissions process. The prestigious institution accidentally admitted you, a regular student, instead of the usual line-up of geniuses, valedictorians, taekwondo red belts, and future Nobel Prize winners.
Due to Extensive Budget Cuts, The University of California Will Now Be Shutting Down the Simulation
BERKELEY, Calif. — The pressing need to fund more administrative mansions and football coach salaries has forced the University of California to cut back on …