Rising to the press podium, emeritus Professor Gordon Frankie divulged the chief attribute revealing Waxman to be a swarm of bees: their fondness for buzzwords.
“Waxman’s fatal flaw is that their classmate caught on to their penchant for buzzwords. Sure, every Berkeley student falls back on ‘discourse’ and ‘dichotomy’ once in a while, but Waxman’s use was egregious; who says ‘Honey, I’m combing through your beeliefs, and (h)I’ve got to tell you, there’s not one argument for being pro-polis.’”
Classmate Using Copious Amount of Buzzwords Actually Swarm of Bees in Suit
‘Fuck It, We Drill,’ Says Biden on Approval of Willow Oil Project
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a controversial decision that has pitted much of the environmental lobby against him, President Biden announced last Monday his approval of the Willow oil drilling project in Alaska with the brief statement, “Fuck it, we drill.”
Chick Magnet? Five Bible Study Groups Asked For My Number
I know, even I’m shocked. In a place as gloom and doom as UC Berkeley, it’s hard to attract people organically nowadays. I’ve tried every …
OPINION: The Granola Bar in my Backpack has been to as Many Classes as I Have, it Should at Least Get a Minor in Something
You know that granola bar that’s been at the bottom of your backpack since late August? The one you threw in your bag before class …
REI Carabiner Not Strong Enough to Keep This Lesbian Couple Together
BERKELEY, Calif. — Berkeley sophomore and distinguished lesbian Gloria Bilitis was seen crying earlier today at the Berkeley Ironworks Climbing Gym after having a literal …
Serial Liar Ex-President Claims He Will Face Consequences for His Crimes
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In yet another bald-faced lie, former U.S. President Donald J. Trump claimed he would be arrested on Tuesday despite his decades-long track …
Futuo! Students Forced to Build Rome in One Day for Ancient Architecture Midterm
BERKELEY, Calif. — AGRS 139 students everywhere were seen scrambling this morning after receiving an email from Ancient Architecture Professor Marcus Cognomen detailing their midterm …
OPINION: I Know Everyone Expressing Concerns About ‘Abnormal Snow Patterns’ Are Just Trying to Tell Me My Dandruff Is Bad
If you’ve been subject to strange weather reports warning of an impending snowstorm barraging locals with a flurry of white flakes, my bad!
Academy Award for Best Actor Goes to Me, Pretending to Have Done the Reading for Today’s Section
“It is my sublime personal pleasure,” Yang articulated, “to present this award for Best Actor to the student who gave the most convincing performance in their role as, ‘Person Who Read the Assigned Pages for Class Today.’ The award goes to… Tohar Zamir!”