BERKELEY, Calif.– As fire and ash continue to rain from the sky for the 40th consecutive day, a distant ping rang from thousands of students’ …
Professional Yapper in 600-Person Lecture Really Needs to Learn What Office Hours Are
BERKELEY, Calif. – On a bright, early morning in Wheeler 150, Erm Actshually, a bright-eyed first-year student with too much 8-dollar Qargo coffee in his …
“Can You Just Watch My Stuff Real Quick?” Asks Student in Library Before Getting a Colonoscopy
BERKELEY, Calif. – Five random strangers in Berkeley’s new 24-hour library affectionately called “Doe” were appalled this evening after Defe Cayshun, a fifth-year senior whose …
What the Sigma? Student Jumped by Gen Alpha Gang on Sproul
OHIO — Six Gen Alpha students from Albany High School were charged by the Alameda Prosecutor’s Office with felony assault after surrounding and beating the …
Breaking: Supreme Court Ruled 8-1 that You Have Absolutely No Play. Alito Dissented.
WASHINGTON, D.C.— In a decision that legal scholars are calling “the most brutal ratio in Supreme Court history,” the Justices ruled 8-1 Monday that you, …
Free Speech Prevails! Destroyed People’s Park Site to Be Named by Contest
BERKELEY, Calif. – Following their destruction of the iconic free speech landmark People’s Park, UC Berkeley reaffirmed their support of political expression by graciously allowing …
Karl Marx Denounces Socialism After Visiting Berkeley Co-ops
BERKELEY, Calif.– Karl Marx’s recent visit to a UC Berkeley co-op has resulted in the founder of the communist ideology’s decision to redact previous statements …
No Representation Without Taxation? Bill Introduced to Tax the Unborn
WASHINGTON D.C.—Breaking news out of the capitol today, as House Democrats issue a new initiative for a “Fetal Fee,” also known as a tax on …
Fox News Wins: Girl Scouts of America Forced to Take Gender and Fentanyl Out of Their Cookies
THE INTERSECTION OF HELL AND THE END — In a stunning victory for the puppeteers operating the cast of Fox News and their loyal brigade …
Paradise Lost: Your Opps Have Returned From Fall Semester Abroad
A month into the semester. You’ve begun to settle in. You know the faces, the characters that color your classes. You’ve become comfortable. But then …