PHILADELPHIA, Penn. – Today, Xfinity outlined a new premium pricing arrangement, in which a paltry $19.99 monthly surcharge would reward users with working Wi-Fi. CEO …
Man Who ‘Doesn’t Need a Bedtime Story’ Scrolling Wikipedia
BERKELEY, Calif. – Gripped by stressful late-night study sessions, many Berkeley scholars have faced difficulty nodding off. Despite spending 30 minutes on the Wikipedia page …
Great Minds Think Alike? Professor Uses Restroom After Me
Reserve me a Nobel spot, book me a speaking tour, and stick me in the corner office; there’s irrefutable evidence that I’m a genius on …
Berkeley Commemorates Anniversary of Free Speech Movement by Arresting Activists
BERKELEY, Calif.– In commemoration of the upcoming 59th anniversary of the Free Speech Movement, the City of Berkeley has capitalized on nostalgia for simpler times …
Bipartisan King? McCarthy Reaches Across Aisle to Get Both Sides to Hate Him
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Following an excruciating nine month tenure, California Republican Kevin McCarthy has been ousted by his party members and enemies (which overlap quite …
Dianne Feinstein to Continue Filibustering Vote on Green New Deal Via Zoom Call From Hell
WASHINGTON, D.C. – After serving a minuscule 31 years in the U.S. Senate, Dianne Feinstein has announced she plans to continue blocking any progress on …
Shoes-Off Household Also Apparently No-Vacuuming Household
BERKELEY, Calif.– Fueled by the torrential downpour of returning students, the City of Berkeley has been awash with new apartment arrangements poking up through the …
Five Essay Prompts that Will Make You Say, ‘As an AI Language Model…’
As campus roars back to life, sunbaked and unmotivated students return to the dreaded deluge of bMail notifications. With “Assignment Posted” subject lines nestled between …
Wicked! Professor Puts Meme on Slide About Excused Absences
BERKELEY, Calif. — Last week, hundreds of Berkeley professors premiered syllabus-review lectures only to receive blank stares, disinterest, and rotten tomatoes. But one man defied …
New Roommate Refrigerates Maple Syrup, Which is Fine, I Guess
Confusion has arisen from the household habits of my newest roommate, “Jeff.” I don’t mind the incessant sleepwalking, the unbridled flatulence, the endorsement of conspiracy …