After weeks of delay amid the horrifying display of toxic masculinity that was the government shutdown, President Donald Trump is slated to give his State of the Union address this evening. Of course, given that he is a man known to speak more lies than truths, this seems like nothing more than an opportunity for this narcissist to appear on live television in front of the “whole nation.” (read: political science and media studies majors who have nothing better to do.) So for all of you out there who are tuning in to listen to the mind-numbing, presumably incomprehensible string of words, here’s a drinking game to kill your brain cells just a little bit faster than listening to Rudy Giuliani talking would.
1.) Keep a running tab of the number of times Trump makes a call for unity between the two parties. Take a shot for each time he contradicts these calls by attacking Democrats, particularly Chuck Schumer or Nancy Pelosi (or, as Trump likes to call her, “Nancy”).
2.) Take a sip of beer every time Trump mentions the money, billions, border security, the caravan, the wall, or “the incredible men and women” (all of them).
3.) If Trump mentions the polar vortex or global warming, drink an entire cup of fireball to warm yourself from the inside out.
4.) Each time they show Melania Trump, pour one out in respect of the souls of women who just wanted to be gold diggers, but wind up as the First Lady instead.
5.) Speaking of Melania, take a shot if you’d already forgotten her “Be Best” initiative.
6.) Sip your beer every time the camera shows Ivanka, rather than the First Lady.
7.) Open a bottle of Dom Pérignon every time Trump mentions the government shutdown. Then, pour it down the sink to signify the absolute waste of time and money brought on our country by our very own leader in chief.
8.) Each time Trump starts a sentence “believe me,” waterfall until his (presumably untrue) statement is over.
9.) Sip a drink of choice each time Trump repeats the end of a sentence for emphasis. Then sip another one for emphasis. EMPHASIS!
10.) Take a shot every time the camera shows your Congressional representative. Take two if you don’t know what yours looks like.
11.) Take a shot for every time he mentions fake news.
12.) Drink a white Russian each time he says “no collusion” or mentions Mueller.
13.) The first time Trump says “win” or “winning,” each person present must engage in a shotgun competition. The person who wins automatically is entered into the 2020 presidential race to face off against the ultimate winner, President Donald Trump himself.
14.) If Trump uses the State of the Union as his opportunity to declare a State of Emergency in an attempt to receive the $5.7 billion for the wall, grab a fifth of your favorite alcohol, an eighth of weed, and an eight ball. The nation’s going out with a bang—might as well join it.
You may or may not be drunk by the end of this, but you’re a PoliSci major, it’s not like you actually have homework.