Due to the overwhelming use of laptops and airpods in coffee shops around Berkeley, every library at UC Berkeley is now being converted into spaces where students and residents alike can grab a cup a joe, chat with friends, and listen to mellow music. The change comes after local coffee shop Sacks turned so anti-talking and anti-human interaction that Doe library started to sound like Pratt & Whitney F100 Turbofan jet engine in comparison.

“It’s an effort by the University to stimulate discourse and sharing of ideas in a space that encourages using your vocal cords above 20 decibels,” Stated the project head Spresso Schaut, “The new changes would allow conversations to occur without being mad dogged by the 26-year-old in business casual. The ones that are always plugged into a wall socket working on a law review at a two-person table for 4 hours.”

Spresso Schaut continued, “The ex-coffee-shop-now-library establishments will be renovated to include an average of 53 electrical sockets per person to accommodate device charging. It is in this way we hope to keep the laptop workers planted here instead of venturing over again to the new coffee areas.”

This should allow patrons to suck the power grid dry while charging their laptops, iPads, iPhones (no androids allowed), Kindles, printers, scanners, dual monitors, Bitcoin mining setups and space heaters; all the while milking their $2.34 coffee for 4 hours that provides them a god given right to park their caboose in a sturdy wooden chair for the day.

In order to further establish the difference between the study area and social area, these newly converted ex-library-now-coffeeshops will encourage smoking hand-rolled cigarettes in a gentle nod to their distant European coffee house cousins. It appears as if smoking nicotine-infused leaf brings people together in a way that coffee alone can’t, and coffee shop owners will be fanning the fire in this situation. No left-wing-radical-liberal vaping allowed in these establishments, just the slow burn and sweet stench of the wacky tabacky to ease the caffeine shakes.

So grab an iced americano, roll up a loose-leaf American Spirit, and take in the sights and sounds of the modern day coffee shop experience, in the basement of Moffit.

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