This past weekend, the fate of Berkeley was greatly impacted. Twenty eager candidates who are going to take bold strides and truly improve their resumes were elected to the ASUC Senate. It’s sad to say, but unfortunately, we at The Free Peach have uncovered each of these senator-elects’ scandalous pasts.
1.) Rebecca Soo:
Rebecca was born at the top of the Campanile during the 2:00 pm playing of the bells. As a result, she is a permanent citizen of UC Berkeley and kin to whoever is seated as Chancellor.
2.) Sylvia Targ:
In seventh grade, Sylvia wore Uggs every day of the school year. Forty-five degrees, Uggs, eighty-five degrees, Uggs.
3.) Evina Wang:
Evina’s name reminds us of Evian, the glorious spring water from Switzerland. Now we are thirsty for some $6.00 bottles full of pure, delicate liquid.
4.) Milton Zerman:
Milton once camped out and waited 34 hours for a Nickelback meet and greet. He later reported he was mistaken and thought he was attending a NASDAQ investment workshop.
5.) Omotara Oloye:
Omotara has proposed to turn every dorm into a carbon copy of unit 3. Each room will be a converted lounge and all the bathrooms will resemble those on Evans’ ground floor.
6.) Joseph Besgen:
Joseph has been endorsed for “leading coups within student governments” approximately 57 times on LinkedIn.
In 10th grade, Romario attempted to go vegan, but 2 hours in, he accidentally ate eggs, bacon, and an entire rotisserie chicken. It happens.
8.) Derek Imai:
Derek’s first recorded words were “one day I will be an ASUC senator, and then I will become Mitch McConnell.” Honestly, that’s kind of weird, but alas, the people have spoken.
9.) Haazim Amirali:
Haazim has a prescription to 17 magazine that he claims is useful for staying relevant amongst youth. “How else am I supposed to get freshman to vote for me if I can’t name every winner of the Teen Choice Awards?” Interesting strategy Haazim.
10.) Shelby Weiss:
Shelby listens exclusively to Kidz Bop 14 which was released July 29th, 2008. When asked about her narrow music selection, Weiss replied: “It’s all that I have on my iPod nano first generation.”
11.) Rocky Gerosa:
Rocky’s parents specifically gave him this name hoping he would develop into a world-renowned boxer but looks like they’ll have to settle with an ASUC senator for a son.
12.) Nicole Anyanwu:
Nicole missed the ASUC tabulation ceremony for Coachella weekend 1. She facetimed in, but all we could hear was Anderson Paak going off about what he normally goes off about in the background.
13.) Jeremiah Kim:
In second grade, Jeremiah cheated his way into becoming a hall monitor and then proceeded to stage an unsuccessful uprising against the US Department of Education. The Department has not yet recovered.
14.) Melvin Tangonan:
Melvin’s favorite Jonas Brother is Kevin.
15.) Media Sina:
Media Sina sounds awfully like media studies. But hey, sometimes democracy is like that.
16.) Jenny Jungmin Kim:
Jenny was born with crocs for feet.
17.) Sitara Bellam:
In 2011 Sitara attended a pro-Seaworld march with her family. Last we checked, the ASUC should be full of whale loving, penguin protecting servants of the sea.
18.) Sumrit Grewal:
Sumrit hired the Kia Soul hamsters to follow her around for an entire month because life was getting too simple.
19.) Carolyn Le:
Carolyn Le was overheard saying GBC smoothies are exponentially better than Jamba Juice. How can we trust someone with no taste in blended fruit?
20.) Liam Will:
Liam is a freshman. He eats at the dining hall and probably goes to office hours.
Censures all around!