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In Another Massive Overreaction, the ASUC Judicial Council Decides To Publicly Execute Carol Christ Over A Parking Ticket

Yet, there is already a central takeaway. Democracy functions best when built upon the broad shoulders of bureaucratic technicalities.

The ASUC Judicial Council made headlines recently for disqualifying all 14 of Student Action’s elected officials in a wave of controversy. Yet, this was not the only controversial decision made by the council last night. A case was brought against Carol Christ for an unpaid parking ticket. In what has been called a “slight overreaction,” the council voted to remove from her role as Chancellor punishment. Furthermore, they also voted to kill her through public execution.

“We really hate doing something like this,” said a Judicial Council council member who didn’t particularly seem to hate doing something like this, “but rules are rules. We went with the only punishment we saw fit.”

Interestingly, the parking ticket in question was not even administered to Chancellor Christ. It was a rollover from former Chancellor Nicholas Dirks. Yet, despite this fact, the Judicial Council stood by its decision to murder her as punishment.

“While, yes it was Christ’s predecessor that forgot to pay a parking ticket, something still needed to be done” Offered another member of the Judicial Council. “Even a cent of the unpaid parking ticket could have affected Carol getting chosen as Chancellor. So, we decided to go with the only logical conclusion to make up for this potential influence. We are not going to potentially change who becomes chancellor. We are going straight up change who’s the chancellor. We’re gonna fucking kill her.”

This decision has met controversy for multiple reasons. For one, a lot of people are surprised that just eleven students in a position that most people are just learning existed are able to legally murder someone. Also, many others are claiming many that members of the judicial committee, citing close friendships with the Chancellor’s replacement and that members had liked tweets with anti-Chancellor rhetoric. Yet, the Judicial Council maintains that they are unbiased.

“We are not biased,” reported the Judicial Council. No sources were cited.

Carol Christ’s replacement released the following statement in regards to the ruling: “Whether or not murdering Chancellor Christ in cold blood over a parking ticket they did not get is justified, is not for us to say. However, I am like sooooo fucking lit to take her position. I earned this victory. And if you’re wondering, no I am not particularly worried about the thousands of Cal students who might not receive the representation they worked to get with Christ. Or the marginalized students who will likely be highly affected by this. I will represent everyone perfectly. That is how representation works.”

This story is still in progress, as Carol Christ, citing a desire not to be murdered, is seeking an appeal the decision. Yet, there is already a central takeaway: democracy functions best when built upon the broad shoulders of bureaucratic technicalities.

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