Tons of cool people smoke. Famous racist John Wayne, creepy ass cartoon Joe Cool, every alternative Berkeley dude that will wear nail polish and break your heart, vagina-steaming legend Gwyneth Paltrow, and your aunt Tilda who lives on your couch and continuously talks shit on her “lying, cheating, sonofabitch” ex-husband Mort. It’s safe to say that smoking makes you pretty hot. Like our mothers used to say, the more phlegm when you cough, the sexier. But, a new study finds that people have recently picked up cancer sticks for another reason. Outside a punk concert, I see a crowd of people with various parts of their heads shaved, all sucking on cigarettes. 

“It’s just that like, sometimes you don’t want to talk to people, but like you don’t know how to tell them that. Because boundaries, emotional intelligence, and honest communication would be pretty un-punk of you,” said Gerald Route, lead singer of famed band My Nuclear Bromance, “So like, all you have to do is step outside for a stoge and smoke up, and they tend to leave you alone. The only downside is, stoges are expensive nowadays, especially when you’re smoking 5 packs a day to get away from the bad vibes.” 

More and more young people are picking up cigarettes in order to avoid having to communicate with one another or be in a social setting. But, does this come without consequence? Some very radical scientists of today have a hunch that smoking might be bad for you. “Not only have we found that cigarette smoking may have a loose correlation with cancer, emphysema, other respiratory illnesses, and potentially even death, but what might finally get these poor youths to quit smoking is the fact that smoking makes your teeth yellow, tits saggy, and above all makes you enjoy the music of FIDLAR.” 

But these health effects aren’t stopping some people. “The cancer that gnaws most deeply at my soul is the company of other people,” said Rexx Starrr, who immediately started smoking three cigarettes and shouting about wanting to die. According to our survey where 5,000 Berkeley students were asked whether they would smoke, knowing it would kill them, Starrr’s thoughts were a commonly shared sentiment. 2,300 students responded with “I mean, I want to die anyway,” 1,700 students answered “I’ll smoke if it brings me the sweet release of death,” 995 students replied “I smoke because it will kill me,” and 5 losers, I mean students, answered “No, I want to keep my lungs’ maidenhood intact for marriage.” 

Fortunately, with the Air Quality Index at the level it is right now in Berkeley, you no longer need to buy cigarettes- all you have to do to get that sweet, sweet buzz is stand outside for 30 seconds. And, you’ll surely be able to get some alone time, as no one else is stupid enough to go outside. 

When asked about whether cigarette alternatives gave them the same closer-to-death effect, Starrr retorted that “Juuling is for bitches and frat-boys…so basically just bitches.” So, in conclusion, when you’re in a conversation you don’t want to be in, don’t be a bitch and just light up a cig like the rest of the mature, grown-up world. Hell, it’s not like it’ll kill ya. 

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