BERKELEY, Calif. – The vegan student cooperative house prepared an excellent meal the other night consisting of a quinoa salad appetizer and a quinoa bean chili, all accompanied by a side of quinoa. Also, whip-its. 

“Clean eating is so important, not just for the Earth, but for your health as well,” explained junior co-op resident Arugula Sausage as she shoveled some quinoa off her plate. “Veganism helps me fuel my body with delicious, plant-based, locally-sourced, all-organic foods and nutrients. Our bodies are our temples,” she declared, grabbing a whip-it canister, “and we need to treat them as such.” She inhaled. “Fuck yes.” 

Fellow resident Jiminy Cricket had more to add.

“It’s just really important to maintain a sustainable mode of consumption,” he shared, “especially amidst the toxicity of capitalism. All we do is take and take and take, and the exorbitant amount of waste we produce is honestly disgusting. If you’re not gonna make an effort to reduce what you consume, then frankly, you can fuck off.” He shook his head and walked over to dump his leftover quinoa in the compost bin that sat right next to a trash can overflowing with used whip-its. 

River Smith (real name Brian), helped himself to a second serving of quinoa and stated, “People probably have a lot of inaccurate and hurtful stereotypes regarding a vegan-centric co-op. But at the end of the day, we’re just like-minded, down-to-earth people that all have the same goal in mind: to enjoy a sustainable, healthy lifestyle.” 

He made his way over to a table and announced, “Let’s all take a second to appreciate Mother Earth and all of the incredible food she blesses us with. This planet, this divine energy, gives so much. And us? We’re just simple organisms, suckling the pure life that flows from her warm bosom.” He paused, gazing adoringly at his quinoa. “Now,” he continued. “Who’s down to do whip-its after dinner tonight?” The dining room erupted in cheers.

A City of Berkeley Refuse Collection Services staff member wanted to note that they are not only unhappy with the amount of whip-its in the co-op’s trash, but they’ve also noticed the enormous heaps of empty hemp milk containers, and are, honestly, getting concerned.

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