NEW YORK CITY – On the most recent broadcast of his nightly Fox News talk show: I’m Right So Don’t Think Critically, political pundit Jeff TuDumb stated that “America is in a Truly Dark Place Right Now.” The statement generated polarizing partisan reactions over the issue of object permanence.
“Jeff is right on the money for a variety of reasons,” explained fellow Fox News host and manslaughter suspect Sally Stabs. “People need to understand that when you can’t directly see an object, it no longer exists. The liberal lamestream media is once again trying to act like the world is more complex than that. Honestly, this is why Republicans keep winning, because we know that the average person doesn’t believe in this hippy nonsense of the earth rotating or New York State homicide laws or whatever. Big light in sky go bye bye so that means it goes bye bye forever and we should all panic and pay Elon Musk to fix it with SpaceX.”
“This is a completely false claim that is dangerous to spread on national television,” said MSNBC host and physical embodiment of the word bland, Man Guy. “Conservatives are yet again ignoring the fact that while it is currently night, it may and most likely will be day tomorrow in a few hours. This is seriously the greatest challenge to American democracy since Pearl Harbor and the assassination of Lincoln combined. And before we end this episode of Progressive Rights with Man Guy, I just want to take a moment to thank our sponsors BP and Raytheon.”
“I fully agree with Jeff as always,” commented long-time TuDumb fan Bob Langley. “I know the sun has come up before but if Jeff says that because it’s night, our country is facing a crisis, I just ignore that un-American impulse to question what he tells me and I believe it. I remember I was in a dark place once. I had just been laid off because the company I worked at was merging with another so they randomly fired a huge chunk of the factory workers. I thought, what kind of country would allow such a horrible thing to happen. But then, I started watching Jeff and he told me that it was all the fault of immigrants and that people like me are all just future millionaires so I just kept watching him. And here we are!”
Following his comments regarding the nation being in a dark place, a 4chan group named the True Night Believers stormed the Griffith Observatory in hopes of “finding out who took the sun.”