LOS ANGELES, Calif.– Shock befell the nation today as babies everywhere had their troubling histories revealed. Amelia Peterson, chief reporter for The Washington Post’s child research column “The Kids Table,” revealed all in a telling exposè.
“With the pattern of detestable behavior babies have maintained,” began Peterson, “it is frankly shocking that we continue to cut them any slack. You might believe them when they plead and try to reason for their tantrums. Who hasn’t fallen for that classic sweet talking, ‘goo-goo, ga-ga?’ Enough making excuses that ‘they didn’t know any better.’ I just saw my nephew Thomas learn what sound a pig makes, so he clearly could learn a thing or two about healthy displacement of anger.”
Talking heads from national radio syndicates quickly picked up on Peterson’s rhetoric. Terry Gross, longtime Fresh Air host on National Public Radio, chided newborns on their misconduct.
“While I am aware that many may use my calming, dulcet voice to lull babies to sleep, I implore that we as a nation wake up,” said Gross off-script, before airing a surprisingly captivating interview with Nic Cage. “How can we excuse months of babies beating upon their pregnant mothers? We have coddled and swaddled these babies enough.”
However, fringe right-wing media personalities have seized upon the opportunity to champion what they term ‘infant self-defense.’
“The United States Government has repeatedly affirmed the ‘Castle Doctrine,’ in that you have the right to defend your domicile,” blustered Alex Jones, in a video that was shockingly not tinted red, he just looks like that. “Now, let’s extend that logic to tiny little babies, and say that their mommy’s tummy is their domicile; in that framework, they would be completely legally justified and protected if they, say, kick because they don’t like the num-nums that mommy ate. Once that child is born, we can apply that mode of analysis to all sorts of common situations like swatting away the airplane because we already had enough Gerber’s, mama!”
At press time, the AULB (American Union of Little Babies) issued a statement, in which they asserted that the accusations were categorically “WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!”