WASHINGTON, D.C – After searching for a young, dynamic, and relatable candidate to be the new face of the Democratic party in the 2028 presidential election, the DNC was shocked to find their pick Jimmy “doesn’t look a day over 99” Carter, had passed away this Sunday.
“It’s a shame we had to cancel the campaign,” explained DNC chair Jaime Harrison while liking a Liz Cheney tweet. “After Kamala’s failure in this past campaign, we heard the American people loud and clear. We realized that running on a message of ‘we will do nothing to address economic concerns but with a biracial woman’ was far too radical. That’s why we picked Jimmy, that spry son-of-a-gun, who connected with Gen Z like no other candidate could. Unfortunately, like many great politicians of the past, he was struck before his prime.”
Anne Oying, a Democratic party strategist and ‘Notorious RBG’ fan, had much to say about Carter’s passing.
“Yet again, the Democratic party just gets dealt a really bad hand at no fault of our own. When Biden dropped out, I fell to my knees and cried in a Whole Foods. I had to be dragged out after I kept trying to eat all the $43.99 saltines while saying ‘Joey B needs these.’ I was incredibly excited to work with President Carter’s hospice center to get him out of there and onto the campaign trail. If only he had lasted a few more years. Think of all the super PAC funds we missed. Oh, I guess the votes he may have gotten matter too.”
Republican Senator Ted Cruz explained his conflicted feelings.
“On one hand, I am happy to see the suffering of a fellow human being. On the other hand, I am enraged that the American healthcare system allowed him to survive this long. His death serves him right for the rampant corruption under his first administration. Owning a peanut farm? Disgusting. Thankfully we’re bringing a Republican back to that office who will drain the swamp and then let all the violent creatures from that swamp join the cabinet.”
At press time, the 83-year-old Bernie Sanders was reported being healthy and very coherent.