BERKELEY, Calif. – Like most men of his age and maturity level, yet another Linguini-looking Diet Coke-addicted man who refuses to use soap to “save money” has made a shocking claim about the literal goddess of love, sex and beauty.
“At first I thought she was at least an eight, but it’s Berkeley goggles, man,” boldly declared first-year Wheremy Hugat, ignoring the fact that Aphrodite’s mere presence had sparked an outbreak of spontaneous nosebleeds across campus. “When I first saw her, I was initially blinded by lust, but I quickly reigned it in once I realized that every female at this university is supposed to be uglier than they look because they possess a brain. Look, bro, I’m just saying if she showed up at USC, she’d be, like, a six. Maybe a seven if she wore less makeup, smiled more, and had both big tits and small tits at the same time.”
Other students, after genuinely fainting at the sight of Aphrodite’s face, were skeptical about Hugat’s proposition.
“She’s literally Venus!” exclaimed Helen O’Troy, the last remaining Ancient Greek & Roman Studies major at UC Berkeley and possibly Planet Earth. “Armies of men have died for her. Her face launched a thousand ships. She’s more than just a woman who fits every beauty standard you can shove into the hive mind of men— she’s the concept of attractiveness itself. We should literally be blessed by her presence, not smash-or-pass polling about her on YikYak. What more does she need to do? Grow a third tit where her mouth should be?”
At press time, Aphrodite reportedly turned Hugat into a frog after he called Margot Robbie “mid.”