BERKELEY, Calif. – Despite having attended the University of California, Berkeley, since August 2021, senior and certified dumbass Noah Member has failed to do the basic task of memorizing his student ID.
“It’s disgusting,” detailed Member’s former friend Jessica Brane. “We met while taking Econ 139 together last semester. At first he seemed normal. He answered questions in lecture, we worked on problem sets together, and he just overall seemed like a chill guy. Boy, oh boy, was I wrong. As they handed out the midterm to us he, all of a sudden, reached for his pocket. I thought, ‘Oh my god, is he trying to cheat this obviously?’ The truth was far more horrifying. It was his student ID and he looked at it to write it down. This whole time, I had accidentally befriended an utter buffoon. A fool. A capital ‘I’ idiot. It was so grotesque of a thought to me that I dropped the class and blocked him on all platforms just to be safe.”
Other people in Member’s life have endured similar interactions with him.
“At first I thought he was a freshman or maybe just a new transfer student,” explained Math 54 GSI Lineerie Gebra while trying to count all the numbers in his head. “He did well on each quiz, but at the beginning of each one, he would always take out his Cal 1 Card and slowly write out his ID. One day, he even wrote it down wrong and had to rewrite it. One day, during discussion, he casually mentioned he was a senior and I realized something truly horrible had happened. I did the reasonable thing and yelled at him to leave the class or I would beat him with sticks and such.”
Following Gebra’s whistleblowing of this failure of the education system, Chancellor Rich Lyons promptly expelled Member, explaining, “we cannot let immense stupidity like this taint the number one public university in the nation.”