BERKELEY, Calif – Following TPUSA’s penultimate event on the Berkeley campus, tensions remain at an all time high as peaceful protests quickly devolved into what media and political influencers are characterizing as “World War fucking Three, unhinged, crazy style, bouncing on it” levels of violence. As expected, it seems that the increasingly liberal college has incited a threat so unprecedented that Fox News anchors have labeled it “the most dangerous act of political violence on a college campus, since like, ever.”
“Those students were fucking crazy! I remember trying to be peaceful because I knew that the Berkeley campus is a deeply intolerant place. I mean, I showed up wearing my best ‘your body, my choice’ shirt and some they/them/it laughed at me!” said an attendee who wishes to remain anonymous, out of fear that they are important enough to warrant political retribution. “I consider that an act of violence, because after that they got their other little homosexual friends to point and laugh at me. Even though only three people were arrested, in my humble opinion, I think the whole crowd should’ve gotten riot charges and extrajudicial deportation for the brown ones — which there were a lot of! Now I know how Charlie must’ve felt, facing down the threat of gang violence he was always talking about. But I will overcome this act of extreme violence, and I will see you in Valhalla my brother!”
UC Berkeley has notably been a hotbed of unfettered violence, most recently characterized by the politically motivated burglary of Kingpin Donuts due to their “socialist-ly” low prices. However, campus officials quickly issued statements on Tuesday to appease the public that they were just as willing to suppress peaceful student protests as they’ve always been.
“Listen, at UC Berkeley, we’re consistently ahead of the curve. I mean, 63 motherfucking Nobel laureates – read that and weep! Supporting the National Guard getting called on your own students? We’ve been doing that shit since the 60s. No way were we gonna let some bum fuck nowhere, Mormon ass, BYU wannabe school beat us at OUR game,” as stated the press release from campus administration. “We started playing offense early, I’m talking let the fascists speak truth to power, gas the fucking students, arrest the ones putting up protest art, and then cry in the media about wahhhh the marketplace of ideas wahhhhh. You think we needed to let TPUSA host their little event on campus? Hell no, nobody even fucking cares about the Berkeley chapter of TPUSA, it’s like giving that one guy friend a pity handjob. But this is why those other schools can’t do it like us because we move like Lebron, baby! Number one public university, number one in suppressing student voices, number one in manufacturing ‘political violence’ – we’re true to this, not new to this!” Utah Valley University officials have declined to comment and are reportedly just glad to not be mentioned by name.
Since the events of Monday night, it seems that campus is still extremely charged with dangerous sentiment as students are reportedly planning more violent demonstrations. One such student confession, obtained from the student social media platform YikYak and now recirculating on Truth Social, states that they “dropped a bomb [in the Wheeler Hall restroom].”
As of press time, Attorney General and sentient Cabbage Patch doll Pam Bondi has declared war on the Antifa hotbeds of Golden Bear Cafe and Mezzos, citing the congregation of dangerous communist students who are willing to spend $15 on a mid ass sandwich.