BERKELEY, Calif — Following another disappointing night, the Campanile is coming to terms with it no longer being as erect as it used to be. After decades of addiction to bell yanking, it has struggled to stand as tall as it used to, at the totally-above-average 307′, though everyone knows shape and personality matter way more than raw height.
Allegedly, the Campanile would have its bells tugged as much as 12 times in an hour, usually by a freshly-18 girl, though sometimes they would switch it up and have divorced moms or furries ring the bells.
“Oh, I’m doing fine! Great actually! I mean, bell yanking isn’t all there is to life, and even if it was…But, I’m still so good at bell yanking and make the best and loudest bell sounds ever,” The Campanile said. “Do you think I should buy a sports car? I’ve been looking at some and they seem really cool. I’m gonna buy a sports car.”
Other campus landmarks have noticed a change in the Campanile, and not for the better. Back in the ‘50s, the Campanile could see all the fields and buildings he desired, but recently younger and more structurally sound buildings have stolen the spotlight, such as Eshleman Hall and the East Asian Library.
Even older buildings like Wheeler have aged more gracefully and are becoming attractive to prospective students appreciative of an older, gentlemanly charm.
“I mean even in his heyday the Campanile could never find my Sather Gate,” Sproul Plaza said. “But this is a whole ‘nother level of sad. I mean look at him… his bricks have shrunk, and his volume output… sometimes I don’t even realize when the hour passed.”
In response to the sagging, campus has tried glue supplements, natural supports, removing seeds and their oils in the lawn, or even making the Campanile lean right.
Other towers, including Stanford’s Hoover Tower, have told the Campanile that this is totally normal and not its fault, and there are repairs for him. The construction company Viagra can replace bricks for when the Campanile really needs to show off.
“Dude, just trust me on this one. Try just one of these new brick layers and you’ll be erect for like 15 years straight,” Hoover Tower said, “I’ve been sagging forever, but these builders, they are special. I almost considered admitting them over a legacy kid.”
Currently the Campanile has been eyeing bars like Kips or Tap Haus, hoping to find freshmen unaware of his condition.