CABO SAN LUCAS, Mexico – In efforts to project American freedom, the Trump administration has decided to begin conflict in yet another foreign country albeit this time using a decidedly fun-filled strategy. As reported last Monday, the U.S. took unilateral military action against the Mexican cartels by deploying thousands of fraternity brothers to Cabo San Lucas.
On the ground reporters spoke to SAE brother Rick Wilson who was allegedly stationed on the frontlines at Hotel Riu Santa Fe.
“Yo, it’s been a grueling campaign. I wasn’t expecting all the foam bubble parties or the twerk contest in Mango Deck, but anything for my country bro,” Wilson yelled, double fisting his fourth and fifth pina colada of the day, respectively. “We’ve made up for our setbacks though, my buddy Chad personally puked over like, 6 bartenders down here, I think we’re making quite an impact. The brothers have shown true American spirit by getting banned from five different pools for pissing in them, but fuck it we ball…especially if its a swim up bar. One thing we definitely did not expect was all the security, like how the fuck are we supposed to sneak in girls military personnel? By the way, huge shout-out to Big T for choosing our chapter for the military operation, that’ll show those TKE assholes who’s truly Thouse!”
When asked about the efficacy of his military campaign, Commander of Queefs President Trump was quick to defend his actions. “This was the ONLY correct decision to protect the AMERICAN WAY OF LIFE, our proud country built on values of PARTYING TOPLESS and HIGH RISK OF MELANOMA,” the rapidly decaying animatronic head of steak announced. “This operation, or operation LIT FUNCTION as I am calling it, will depose the RADICAL cartels in Mexico. Our LOYAL frat brothers, are Quite Frankly the BEST AND BRIGHTEST men for the job, nobody compares to their toughness, strength, and sexual-assault allegations, except ME allegedly. They will deprive the CROOKED Mexican cartels of its valuable alcohol and most likely some of their cocaína, and strike FEAR into the hearts of every underpaid resort worker who DARES to stand against the GREATEST country on earth!”
As spring break comes to a close, coincidentally, operations in Cabo begin to wind down as well with rumors persisting about a second deployment in the near future. Anonymous sources state that former SAE Brother and current UC Chancellor Rich Lyons may be present for future military action.