Bowman later issued a statement claiming that public defecation was “Like a 4 on the scale of humiliation. After a week of verbally assaulting students on Sproul to inquire about their (obvious lack of) interest in sustainable business, I don’t think I have a sense of self anymore. My humanity kind of feels stripped to an abstract concept after trying to convince three thousand underclassmen that my club is worth taking an Airpod out for.”
Anticipating Fire Season, PG&E Places Ban on My Mixtape
SAN FRANCISCO — After years of increasing risk in California, utility monopoly Pacific Gas and Electric (PG&E) has begun to encourage preventative measures against further …
JPMorgan Exec Replaced by Pre-Haas Freshman in Berkeley Consulting
JPMorgan Vice President of Business Operation and Strategy Chuck Price announced plans to step down this past weekend, following the recent trend of older JPMorgan execs resigning to make way for newer, out-of-the-box thinkers.
“I know this might come as a shock,” reported Price, “but I have an excellent replacement lined up: Cal pre-Haas freshman Doug Doolittle. Despite stiff requirements and stiffer competition, Mr. Doolittle has managed to land a coveted spot in one of UC Berkeley’s most prestigious consulting clubs, Berkeley Consulting. I know the critics will spear me for giving my job to a freshman while I retire to the Cayman Islands, but moving from Berkeley Consulting to JPMorgan was simply the next logical step for this young man.”
The 5 Best Places to Spend Flex Dollars
If you’re a freshman on campus, the meal plan that you were forced to buy likely includes flex dollars. You are probably wondering where on Earth you can spend this precious fake currency. Luckily, The Free Peach has compiled a list of the many convenient, delicious spots that will accept your flex dollars. Bon appétit.
OPINION: Voldemort Went to Stanford, So Harry Went to Stanford, Also Stanford is Hogwarts
“Voldemort went to Stanford,” boast the cheeky graphic tees that the Berkeley quidditch team loves to flaunt. What a fun gag, to pin He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named as an alum of our university’s bitter rival. Ha! Ha! Ha! “Voldemort went to Stanford.” The quidditch team probably applauds themselves for this bit that actually sells – yes, people buy these shirts to wear, to declare their love of the magical world of Harry Potter and of their prestigious university! “Voldemort went to Stanford.” Have you ever even stopped to consider the implications of this analogy? “Voldemort went to Stanford.” Don’t you realize that your actions have consequences?
Woke! Oski has Only Eaten Three Freshmen this GBO
BERKELEY, Calif. — In a recently-leaked email, GBO Steering Committee chair Jeffrey Cass claimed that this year’s orientation has exceeded all prior expectations.
“Everybody should pat themselves on the back,” Cass wrote to other committee members. “The numbers show that we’ve knocked it out of the park. This year’s incoming freshman and junior transfers can find, on average, a whopping two buildings on campus, up 100% from last year! The typical freshman has walked nearly three marathons! And, of course, we should give special credit to Dr. O’Reilly’s Oski Defense Taskforce (ODT). Thanks to those extra-strength bear traps you set out, the beast (in all His glory) has only taken three freshmen for his annual sacrifice! Great job!”
Cal Greeks Lament Vaccines for Making Frat Parties Safer
Though recent vaccinations have catapulted Southside Berkeley into an era where the phrase “I know a brother” no longer doubles as a form of contact …
Pussy-Ass Students Still Want Mental Health Support for In-Person Instruction
BERKELEY, Calif. – As the Fall 2021 semester draws near, UC Berkeley students are vying for the continuation of the additional mental health awareness and …
Packing Do’s and Don’ts For New Cal Bears
UC Berkeley is a big, scary place. As the school year approaches, many incoming freshmen may be filled with anxieties. Questions like “How am I going to handle in-person classes?” “What if I don’t make friends?” “What do I do with these two gallons of vegetable oil next to my bed?” may plague our new cohorts. We’re here to help qualm those specific fears, and no others. Here are our top seven packing do’s and don’ts for incoming freshmen. Go Bears!
Memorial Stadium to Easily Return to Full Capacity Due to Chronic Low Attendance
BERKELEY, Calif. — Even though UC Berkeley has announced that the upcoming fall semester will take place in person, many football fans have been concerned …