Posted on by: The Free Peach

Big Student Athlete Loves His Little Scooter

BERKELEY, Calif. – On campus today, one big student athlete was spotted whizzing around on his adorable little scooter.

“Nobody gets us,” whispered football linebacker Hulk Jacobson to his scooter as they flew up Bancroft. “They don’t understand the challenge of walking to class after a grueling practice. None of them could possibly comprehend the physical toll. But you know. You support me.” The scooter whirred happily as Jacobson continued. “Like, I’m sorry that my muscles are sore from getting us absolute L’s out on the field.” The scooter shot him a look. “The football season has been a little rough.”

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Posted on by: The Free Peach

Don’t Tell Prof. Reich: Capitalism is Only Okay When I’m Fucking a Hot Capitalist

If my Wealth and Poverty class has taught me anything, it’s that capitalism sucks and we should have all sucked Karl Marx’s dick when we had the chance. For the most part, I’m in total agreement, but it’s just so hard to hate capitalism when I’m gettin’ it good from a straight-neck, Patagonia-wearing, ripping-hot motherfucker on the Haas-to-heathen pipeline. 

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Posted on by: anniebushh

Cough Held Throughout 2½ Hour Lecture Now Just Mildly-Irritating Heart Palpitation

“I used to cough whenever I needed to, but I felt the white-hot wrath of hundreds around me,” Alison reported via Zoom, since no reporter wanted to get within a 500 foot radius of her. “I get a COVID test regularly. I can’t say for sure that I haven’t been exposed since testing negative yesterday though… Well, I know I don’t have it. I don’t, right? I— I just needed to cough super badly and I was able to suppress it for two and a half hours, so that means I can’t have it! I don’t! I just needed to cough, and now I have a serious heart issue. People should be happy that I saved them from possibly being exposed to whatever I have, though I know it’s not COVID.”

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Posted on by: Shane Pauker

Big Man’s Ego Totally Dependent on Slamming Tiny Ball into Tiny Net

BERKELEY, Calif. — Failing to relive the glory afforded to him in high school by being a mid-tier varsity water polo player, Cal freshman Dominic Hughes has poured his heart and soul into a new favorite pastime.

“My fragile, fragile ego’s been in, like, freefall ever since I arrived here last month,” explained Hughes while slamming a tiny ball into a tiny net on the Glade. “But ever since I discovered Spikeball, it’s been propped up by a precarious, Jenga-like support system, which is, like, a total relief. Once I saw five consecutive games being played exclusively by other dudes in the 5’10” to 6’2”, moderately athletic range, I knew I was home.”

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Posted on by: The Free Peach

Man Easily Navigates Dwinelle, Still Unable to Locate Woman’s Clitoris

BERKELEY, Calif. – As Berkeley students once again struggle with the endless labyrinth that is Dwinelle Hall, one man has emerged champion, remarkably finding his classroom within mere minutes; the location of his girlfriend’s clitoris, however, still remains a mystery.

“It was no big deal,” shrugged a bashful Justin Lawry to a roaring sea of fans. “I sorta stepped through those doors and, I don’t know, I just had a gut feeling. Something deep within my primal instincts almost seemed to sing to me; next thing I know I’m taking a right, another right, a left, another right, another left, walking up two flights of stairs, crawling through the tunnel that connects the north and south wings, taking a left, climbing up a ladder, taking the slide down the other end, and taking another right. Boom. I was there.

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Posted on by: lyamashir01

How to Care About the Environment Even Though CNR Kids Are Really Fucking Annoying

The world is ending. Fires are swallowing California faster than a freshman with New Amsterdam. Hurricanes are violently pissing on the country like a drunken fraternity pledge looking for his Clark Kerr bathroom. The arctic ice sheet is melting faster than the ice in your faux-compostable-plastic cup from Strada. Naturally, you want to care.

No. You do care. 

But alas, it’s really fucking hard to care with these “environmental kids” who won’t shut up about rock climbing at Bridges Gym, Robert Reich being “Daddy,” CNR having “great advising,” and how “easy” it would be for everyone in the world to just go vegan. 

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Posted on by: Tyler Goldstein

After COVID Vaccine, Cal Wide Receiver Can’t Catch Anything

After Cal’s devastating loss to the Nevada Wolf Pack, it has become apparent that the COVID-19 vaccine has prevented wide receiver Wayne Johnson from catching anything. 

“I knew that getting vaccinated would prevent me from catching COVID, but I didn’t know the effects of the vaccine would be so weird,” reported Wayne as he dropped a frisbee. “After I got vaccinated my work schedule started having back to back shifts. I can’t catch a break. I’ve also been blanking on what people say after ‘Go’ at Berkeley. I think it starts with a B but my catchphrase knowledge is out the window.”

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