BERKELEY, Calif — The UC Berkeley administration took a historic leap this Monday, announcing a new policy in the age of Zoom-school: “Berkeley Time,” Berkeley’s …
Top 5 Northside Restaurants to Eat at Alone When All Your Friends Live on Southside
5. The Company Recruiting Info Sessions in Soda Hall
Go to Wozniak Lounge in Soda Hall around 5-6 pm on a random weekday and chances are a startup or medium-sized tech company will be giving away free food, t-shirts, and boba to lure starry-eyed computer science students into selling their souls and working for them. Walk up to a recruiter and say something about how machine learning, blockchain, cryptocurrency, and NFTs can create world peace and collect your well-deserved free Banh Mi or pizza slice. Maybe corporations ARE your friend!
Based! Male PoliEcon Major Finally Shuts the Fuck Up
BERKELEY, Calif – In an unprecedented move, political economy major and aspiring debate bro Kyle Thebedeau boldly shut the fuck up this Thursday afternoon whilst …
6 Campanile Songs That Sound Like Dogshit
Every day, Berkeley students get serenaded by three concerts, totally free of charge. It’s too bad that they’re played on giant century-old bells that can’t …
David Card Wins Nobel Prize in Economics for Proving $5 Is Too Much for a Slice of Pizza
BERKELEY, Calif. — UC Berkeley economics professor David Card recently won the Nobel Prize in economics for proving that many universally known truths are, in …
BART Announces New Dark Yellow Line Between My Fly and the Urinal
BERKELEY, Calif. – This weekend Bay Area Rapid Transit published blueprints for a new railway to supplement the five existing routes. Christened the “Dark Yellow” …
To Reduce Long Coffee Lines, GBC to Offer “Grab-and-Go” Cocaine
BERKELEY, Calif — As the only on-campus café where students can spend their flex dollars on caffeine, the Golden Bear Café experiences all-time high traffic …
Hot and Cold: Natural Phenomenon Otherwise Known as “Weather” Grips Berkeley
BERKELEY, Calif. – Various students across campus have reported, particularly when speaking to their class acquaintances while waiting out Berkeley time, that sunny, warm days are now transitioning into cooler, wetter periods. These varying temperatures have also been referred to by some as “the weather.”
“Yeah, it’s like, now it’s cold??” began sophomore Kady Gershwin. “It was so hot the other day, I literally had to wear shorts and a tank top. Then, all of a sudden, this morning it was literally freezing! I’m actually wearing a sweatshirt if you can believe it, it’s just that chilly. What is even going on here!”
Opinion: I Cured My Imposter Syndrome by Making a Frat Man on an Orange Scooter Hand Deliver Me Tampons
Feeling a little bummed out that tampons are still not recognized as a basic necessity by the federal government and are being taxed as a …
Haas Senior Watches Squid Game, Has Innovative Startup Idea
Berkeley, Calif – Haas senior Drew Balzarian struck inspiration while watching Squid Game recently.
“I don’t usually watch TV, I’m too busy checking my Robinhood portfolio and mansplaining venture capital to first year girls I wanna trying to fuck. I don’t know why it’s a movie and not a business model. The dumbass director probably didn’t even care how much money he could make off of this. People keep saying ‘it’s satire,’ but it doesn’t have to be! I have 50 SF VC funds who are interested right now! Jeff Bezos offered to host it on The Moon so we don’t run into the mistakes we saw in the series.”