BERKELEY, Calif. – For the majority of mischievous adult adolescents far and wide, the final days of October are a time for using silly brainiac …
Spooky! The Tinder Match You Ghosted Three Months Ago Reincarnates in Your DM’s
BERKELEY, Calif. — Recent weeks have witnessed the resurrection of otherwise dead text conversations in recent weeks, students report. “It was the most cursed thing …
Halloweekend Lineup to Include ‘Super Hot Chicks and Culturally Appropriating Dicks’ Party
BERKELEY, Calif. – After a long-winded brainstorm session, the Berkeley Interfraternity Council came to the exciting conclusion that “Super Hot Chicks and Culturally Appropriating Dicks”-themed …
Ecologists Concerned Rains Diluted Strawberry Creek’s Natural Strawberry Flavor
BERKELEY, Calif. — Ecologists at the University of California, Berkeley, are concerned that the past week’s atypical heavy rains have disturbed the local ecosystem. “Getting …
Hearst Museum Celebrates Halloween by Hiding 9000 Human Skeletons Under a Swimming Pool
BERKELEY, Calif – Halloween is just around the corner and the Hearst Museum of Anthropology isn’t one to miss out on all the spooky fun! …
Haas Student Swears His Dream Job Is Making Numbers Go Up With Excel
BERKELEY, Calif. — In shocking testimony from Haas student Newt Roberts, he asserted that his dream job truly is sitting at a desk, making numbers …
Three Minutes Added to Berkeley Time for Untangling Headphones
BERKELEY, Calif — The UC Berkeley administration took a historic leap this Monday, announcing a new policy in the age of Zoom-school: “Berkeley Time,” Berkeley’s …
Top 5 Northside Restaurants to Eat at Alone When All Your Friends Live on Southside
5. The Company Recruiting Info Sessions in Soda Hall
Go to Wozniak Lounge in Soda Hall around 5-6 pm on a random weekday and chances are a startup or medium-sized tech company will be giving away free food, t-shirts, and boba to lure starry-eyed computer science students into selling their souls and working for them. Walk up to a recruiter and say something about how machine learning, blockchain, cryptocurrency, and NFTs can create world peace and collect your well-deserved free Banh Mi or pizza slice. Maybe corporations ARE your friend!
Based! Male PoliEcon Major Finally Shuts the Fuck Up
BERKELEY, Calif – In an unprecedented move, political economy major and aspiring debate bro Kyle Thebedeau boldly shut the fuck up this Thursday afternoon whilst …
6 Campanile Songs That Sound Like Dogshit
Every day, Berkeley students get serenaded by three concerts, totally free of charge. It’s too bad that they’re played on giant century-old bells that can’t …